Unexpected Journey

Lots of movement - February 7th, 2012

2012-02-07T21:19:00.000-05:00

Just thought I'd poke my head into my own blog and let you know that all is well so far. This kiddo is moving all around in there and still making me sick. Today s/he decided that bananas were off limits. I am 19 weeks pregnant today - almost half way there! My anatomy ultrasound is scheduled for next week on the 15th. We are not going to find out the baby's sex, but we are still excited to see her/him and ensure that growth is on track and all of the pieces and parts are there and where they should be. We have no reason to believe that anything is wrong, but there's always that nagging fear in the back of my mind. There's not much else to report on at this time. Just trying to keep my food down and get over this nasty case of bronchitis that I developed a week and a half ago. Bleh. I'm tired of being a snot factory, and this cough sucks! Oh what I wouldn't do for a nightly dose of NyQuil to help me rest! heh. Small price to pay for a healthy kiddo I guess. =) Well, hope you are all well out there in teh interwebz. Good night!

What I Have

2012-01-25T19:18:00.001-05:00

I am so thankful for what I have. I have a delightful, healthy, sweet, and precious 20 month old little girl. I have a hard working husband who loves me and works with me to allow me to stay at home with my child. I have another, so far, healthy child on the way. I have a safe and comfortable home in a nice neighborhood. I have 6 healthy pets that I love despite their 'personal issues'. I also have thoughtful, helpful, caring parents and a helpful sister and adorable nieces. I have wonderful friends, both near and far, who I appreciate very much even if I don't see them as often as I'd like. I have so much, and I am so thankful.

Still alive - still pregnant - January 8th, 2012

2012-01-08T20:35:00.000-05:00

Sorry I've been MIA again. This seems to happen whenever I actually hit the 'definitely pregnant' phase. Apparently I'm a good infertility blogger, but not much good at any other type of blogging. I had a second ultrasound at 11 weeks, and the little one was in there bouncing all over the place and starting to look very much like a micro-person. I've felt some movement a few times, but nothing consistently. It's still very early, so it's not unusual not to feel movement regularly. I think that for a 'normal' person, feeling movement consistently starts around 18 - 22 weeks or so. And the larger you are, the later it happens - and I'm a big girl, so I'm not worried about it. We went to a delicious restaurant called "The Melting Pot" with several of our friends last night. It is a fondue restaurant and very expensive and time consuming, so it was a real treat to go and spend that time with everyone. It's my favorite restaurant - I just love it so much! Apparently this baby loves it too, because by the time I got home (it's about a 45 minute drive home), kiddo was bouncing off the walls in there. Must have been the last course, which is everything sweet dipped in chocolate. Yum yum yum! I am going to have to put together fondue meals at home, because I think this will be my constant craving this pregnancy. heh. And though the chocolate is good, it's actually not the part I'm craving. I want the apples in cheese, the seafood cooked in broth and dipped in all sorts of sauces, the mushroom caps with 'green goddess' sauce, and the broccoli with yellow curry and yogurt sauce. So, that will be my plan to get some recipes and put that together sometime very soon. =) OK, back to pregnancy . . .

I will be 15 weeks along on Tuesday, so making definite progress. That's when my next OB appointment is too, so it will be nice to hear the heartbeat and know that everything is right on track. We are definitely going 'team green' again this time, which means we aren't finding out the baby's sex until it is born. That drives a lot of people batty, but we love that surprise when we meet the kiddo. It was really fun doing that with RoBet - it was a wonderful bonus at the end of a long and difficult labor.

There's not much else to report right now. I got a new game for Christmas, The Elder Scrolls V - Skyrim, and I've been playing that way too much during RoBet's naps and after her bedtime. My brother in law got me sick right after Christmas, and that really sucks while pregnant even more than when not pregnant. You cannot believe what a world of difference DayQuil/NyQuil and other similar product make until you cannot have them! Mostly better now, though still congested and have a little cough. Bleh.

Well, I hope everyone had a great holiday and is settling back into 'real life'. Hopefully I'll update again in less than a month, but I'm not placing any bets on it. =)

Another goodbye - December 4th, 2011

2011-12-04T20:39:00.001-05:00

Tonight we said goodbye to our sweet little birdie Icarus. He was a wild European Starling whose nest was destroyed outside our home 4.5 years ago. He was absolutely defenseless - eyes still closed and no feathers on him, just a slight tuft of down. We took time off of work to feed him every 20 minutes or so for the first few days, and thankfully feedings quickly spaced out to every few hours, allowing me to just rush home on my lunch hour to feed him. He had about a 50/50 chance of making it through those first few weeks. Yeah, he definitely made it. He quickly 'imprinted' with humans, cats, and dogs meaning that he thought we were all his buddies. Had we released him back into the wild when he was capable of flying and foraging for food (though he'd never been taught), he would have quickly been killed by a cat or dog that thought he was a snack or toy. So, we bought a huge indoor flight cage and kept him as a pet (he is one of two breeds of wild bird that are legal to keep as pets in our state). He learned to say about 20 phrases over the years, which we and all of our friends and family found amazing. Some favorites? He would say "Good morning Icarus." and "I'll get you some fresh water." He loved to say "Hi!" and one time there were several birds at the feeder that we kept right outside the window next to his cage. The window was open and he said "HI!" to the birds and they all flew off in fear. It was so cute and sad too, because he just had no idea how to make other birdie friends. Another favorite? After we moved a year and a half ago, his new location was next to the back door where we let the dogs out. So, he quickly learned to say, "Come on, come on!" to the dogs to get them to come back inside. Amazingly, he never learned to say any swear words or 'shut up' or anything like that - only positive things. He was an awesome little bird, and he was very loved. He was so happy too - he just chattered up a storm all the time and flew around happily in his cage and dinged his bells all the time. I would say "ding ding" and he would fly or hop over to his bells and ring them. So adorable. We will always remember that sweet little guy and how much amazement and happiness he brought into our lives over the years. Goodbye sweet Icarus - you will be very missed darling bird.

In-laws and sick child - November 28th, 2011

2011-11-28T13:24:00.001-05:00

Whew! Last week was a whirlwind of cleaning, planning meals, and more cleaning! My in-laws came on Friday morning and we had a second Thanksgiving dinner (first one was at my parents' house on Thursday). I made a couple of dishes for Thursday, but had to make the whole meal for Friday. I took all sorts of shortcuts, but it still wore me out! I have also been on the cusp of getting sick for a few weeks now, and it finally caught up with me on Saturday. Of course, it also caught up to RoBet the same day and her fever spiked to 103. =( Poor kiddo. We ended up taking her to a children's urgent care facility in the next suburb over. The trip took us 3 hours and was horrible with lots of screaming and crying and generally unhappiness from the kiddo. By the time we got home, all of the pharmacies here were closed too, so she didn't get her first dose of antibiotics until Sunday morning. Saturday night sucked. She woke up every hour and was awake for 30 - 60 minutes each time. Ugh. So, it's been a crazy few days 'round here. We're both starting to feel better now though, but I need to take the rest of her nap time to get some rest myself! Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!

Update - a little late - November 21st, 2011

2011-11-21T21:52:00.001-05:00

Sorry for the delayed update! I had my appointment with my RE on Friday afternoon, and what we saw was exactly what the rational side of me expected. One little bean, just in the right place, just the right size, with a heart beating away. Yay! Oh and the heart rate (HR)? Remember that info I provided back for RoBet? Probably not . . . so here it is. A HR of of less than 140 generally indicates a boy. Over 150 is generally a girl. Ours was 140 - 150. Ha! Figures! =) Not that it really means much this early on, but still, that was hilarious to be there again! So now I have been released to my OB - no more RE appointments - yay! I called my OB's office today to make the appointment. Of course, I couldn't even talk to someone to schedule an appointment - oh no, that would make my life too easy. I left a message at 1:30 and did not receive a call back. *sigh* Dealing with medical offices is a royal pain in the ass.

Disappearance of symptoms - November 15th, 2011

2011-11-15T19:24:00.001-05:00

Hmm. My symptoms seems to have disappeared over these past few days. I really thought my nausea was reaching a crescendo and puke-fest was inevitably around the corner. And then . . . nothing these last two days. I'm a little nervous, but I do know that pregnancy symptoms come and go all the time and that no two pregnancies are exactly alike. I am very eager to get to Friday.

Not much to report - November 12th, 2011

2011-11-12T12:58:00.001-05:00

I'm still here. I've been feeling nauseous and tired most of the last week, but nothing 'spectacular'. heh. RoBet has been on and off crankypants this week again. I think she's been feeling a little under the weather and has been teething something fierce. Hopefully it passes soon, because I suspect I'm about to get a while lot worse in the near future. We went to library storytime this past week again, as I suspect I will be absent from all out-of-the-house activities soon for awhile. Not much else to report. The ultrasound is next Friday, so I should have a good update then! Have a great weekend (and week)!

Ugh, thieves suck! - November 5th, 2011

2011-11-05T12:59:00.001-04:00

I was getting ready to head out to the store to pick up a few items this morning, and wanted to quickly balance the checkbook before going. I hopped online and checked our financials and saw that the credit card, which was supposed to be auto-paid yesterday, didn't get pulled out. It sometimes takes a couple of days to show on the bank site, so I just wanted to verify it on the credit card site. I went out to the CC site, and sure enough, it posted yesterday. I quickly looked through the charges, since I was there, and saw two that didn't sound familiar to me from the past few days. I asked hubby if he charged them, and he didn't recall it. I figured it was some Christmas gifts that we had ordered and didn't remember, but wanted to dig a little further. I googled the company name and it was a dating website. Hmmm. I was pretty darn sure that neither hubby nor I would be joining dating websites nor be stupid enough if we did to charge it to our joint credit card. It was also interesting that the first charge was for $1 and the second for the full subscription price of $50. I called my credit card company, and filed a dispute against the charges. I asked them how likely it would be for this to be an accident and not something more sinister. They said that it is incredibly common for thieves to charge a 'trial amount' of $1 on thousands and thousands of card numbers until they find one that works. Once the charge goes through, their spending spree begins. They then went through the list of 'pending charges' with me that included a third charge to the same company and another 'trial charge' to an online music purchasing website. Great. I closed the cards and have a new set on the way that are supposed to arrive on Monday. We have about 10 different auto-pay accounts on the card and a dozen more that have the card saved to use. *sigh* It's going to be a lot of work to set up the new cards when they arrive and a pain to get the stolen charges cleared up, but it could have been a LOT worse. I know it could have been terrible. If I hadn't just hopped on the site for a quick check, I could have easily gone another week before looking at it, and by then they could have charged thousands of dollars worth of crap and the headaches would have been huge. This is minor in comparison to what others experience as well, but it really scares the crap out of me. I'm so happy I caught it early enough to not make my life a pain in the butt for the next several weeks/months.

In pregnancy news, there isn't much news. Just light cramping, slightly sore boobs, and on and off exhaustion. Occasionally I've not felt 'well' in the tummy, but no more sickness just yet (thankfully!). Oh, I finally got the progesterone results back from over a week ago! They were down to 19.something from 32.something. I was worried about that, but the nurse said that the numbers bounce all around and as long as it is over 15 consistently, we're just fine. I asked if we should re-check it to be sure, and she said no, that is not necessary. Plus, she said the placenta is taking over more and more as the pregnancy progresses and the progesterone becomes less and less important for a successful pregnancy. We're not there yet, but that will be coming soon.

Tonight we are going to my parents' house to celebrate my sister's birthday. I have to make some puppy chow (also known as muddy buddies) per a request from my sister. I should go get on that, seeing as we will be leaving here in a couple of hours. Hope everyone is doing well!

My little monster - October 31st, 2011

2011-11-01T19:38:00.001-04:00

So here is my little monster for Halloween. Isn't she just the cutest little monster? And when she walks, she looks quite a bit like 'Boo' from Monsters Inc. I hope you all had a fantastic Halloween!

Beta #4 Results - October 31st, 2011

2011-11-01T19:35:00.001-04:00

Sorry for the delay! Yesterday was very busy with trick-or-treaters and my kiddo has been a BEAR today! Tantrums are only 1 minute apart and last 10 - 20 minutes apiece! Ack!

In good news my beta came back quickly yesterday. On Friday it was 395, so if doubling every 48 hours continued, it would have been around 1200. As it turns out, it was 1819 - it really took off! Hooray! So then the nurse wanted to schedule the ultrasound. I was expecting it for this week, next Monday at the latest. She asked me how I felt about the 18th! I was shocked for it to be so far away! She said that since everything looks good with this pregnancy and they have no concerns at this time, there is no reason to have an earlier ultrasound. We'll be able to see more as I'll be nearly 8 weeks by that time, but man that is so far away! So I guess it's good that there is no concern at this time - but I wanna' see my kidney bean!

Beta #3 Results - October 28th, 2011

2011-10-28T15:02:00.004-04:00

I had beta #3 drawn this morning, and already got the results back! My RE's nurse really is awesome. Today it was 395, which is fantastic! That means it was just a little higher increase than doubling in 48 hours. Woohoo! I do have to go back again on Monday though (boooo). And once it gets over 1100, they will schedule the ultrasound. If all goes right, it will be around 1200 on Monday. I thought they would wait until I was 6 weeks along to do the first ultrasound, because then they would have a higher probability to see the heartbeat. So I'm not sure when they will schedule the ultrasound for - if it's the next day or a week out or what once it reaches that 1100 mark. Because last time was so filled with uncertainty and fear of miscarriage and then ectopic, everything was just a whirlwind to me. This time it feels much calmer, much more scheduled than last time. At least it has since Wednesday. Heh. I am feeling so much more confident now though - I am no longer overcome by fear of losing this pregnancy. I feel quite confident at this point that sometime around the first week of July, we will be meeting one healthy little baby (c'mon boy!). This IVF process sure hasn't been what I expected it to be and it didn't feel like I expected it to feel, but we are on our way to the end goal. And that feels pretty darn good.

Beta #2 - October 27th, 2011

2011-10-27T21:29:00.002-04:00

Beta #2 came back much better than I expected. 185! I was so worried it wouldn't go up at all, and it nearly doubled in 48 hours! So, this little bugger is sticking in there so far! Woohoo! I do have to go back for one more round of bloodwork tomorrow - repeat quantitative beta and progesterone. So I'm feeling much more confident now. I can't wait to get past this phase and to the part where we see the little bugger on he ultrasound and then later feel her/him moving around. First comes more exhausting and puking though. heh. I'll take it!

Beta results and onset of symptoms - October 25th, 2011

2011-10-25T21:27:00.002-04:00

Teh interwebz ate my post! I posted this morning, but I don't see it here now. Hrumph. And there isn't even a draft of it. Phooey. I'll recap what I had written.

Beta came in at 96.5. That is pregnant, and not terrible, but not great. With RoBet it was 233 at this same point (14 DPO). 233 was very high for a singleton though, so 100 isn't bad for just one bun in the oven. What bugs me is that I got such an early BFP, that my levels should be higher now. Some of you may want to tune out now - it's about to get technical. The sensitivity of the tests that I used (Clearblue Easy Digital and Wondfos (also known as Amazon cheapies) is 25 (units aren't really important for this discussion). Beta levels are supposed to double every two days. So, if we assume that my level of hcG was 25 on Thursday, it can be assumed that a double was 50 on Saturday and 100 on Monday. Since my level was slightly under 100, it HAD to be at 25 on Thursday for everything to be OK and doubling appropriately. But what are the chances of it being exactly that and being picked up on the test? Wouldn't it make more sense that it was 35 or 50? If so, I am clearly not doubling my levels every 48 hours. *sigh* End result? I absolutely hate this part of the process. My levels did not double with RoBet (for reasons I can speculate on at another time), and it caused me no end of fear and stress. If my level that they draw tomorrow (I'll get the results back Thursday) doesn't double, I'm going to ask that they just not do any more betas for a few days at least, hopefully for a week. I just don't want to keep doing this every 2 - 3 days for two weeks like last time. I don't want to over analyze each number and what it could mean. I don't want to expect to miscarry - if it happens, there is nothing that will stop it, even if I know it's coming. So, let it just happen then if that is what is going to be. I don't want to worry that it might be coming for weeks on end. Let me just be happy being pregnant, and if it happens, so be it. For now though, I can still be optimistic, because I'm having symptoms! Yay for feeling like shit! Yesterday I was so exhausted that I took a nap during the day and went to bed early. That is unusual for me - I prefer to be awake and doing things for as much time as possible. I try to get 7 -8 hours of sleep a night, but that's usually enough. Not yesterday! And then, RoBet woke me up crying again last night (she's teething again) and I had to cut my time that I sat and rocked her short, because man I had to puke! And I did. Lots. At midnight. So, exhaustion and morning sickness are here. Last time they waited until about 8 weeks to set in, so this is a bit on the early side! But, hopefully they won't last as long this time, assuming the pregnancy is viable. OK, that's the short version of my earlier post. Off to bed for me!

Well - October 21st, 2011

2011-10-21T10:00:00.003-04:00

My in-laws are coming to visit this weekend, so I was doing some cleanup yesterday after I put RoBet to bed. My husband has been working second shift all this week, so I was on my own last night. Having all of your evenings alone tends to make one a bit stir-crazy and do things they might not otherwise do. So, around 8:00, I decided I needed to pee on a stick. I took the test and after about 2 minutes, looked over and didn't see a second line. I went about organizing some stuff and got some laundry out of the dryer and looked again. I saw what I thought was a very faint second line. Very faint, but there. For sure there. I took some pictures and tweaked them and really felt that second line was there, so I wanted to follow up with a digital test, which is pretty sensitive and says "pregnant" or "not pregnant", so it's a pretty sure thing. But, I had dumped my concentrated urine out of the dixie cup, so I had to wait until I had to pee again. And drinking lots of water to make yourself have to pee is no good, because then it will be diluted and might not produce the same result on the test at this low level of hcG in there. So, I waited. Finally about 9:45 or so I was able to work up enough to test again. And the digital test flashes a little hour glass while it works. It was working, and working, and working. I swear, I started at it for like 3 full minutes before leaving the bathroom and folding some laundry. I came back in and the damn thing was still working! Arg! So I impatiently folded some more laundry (I'll tell you, impatiently folded laundry looks and awful lot like patiently folded laundry). After about 8 minutes total, I came back in and finally it popped up - "pregnant". Well. So much for not feeling pregnant. You just never know, I guess. So, I am now 11 days pregnant. heh. My due date is July 5th, 2012 - perfect for a little 'firecracker'. This whole thing just feels surreal, it really does. I cannot believe I have a little sac of cells burrowed into my uterus right now and growing. I look at my daughter and try to remember what it felt like when she was just a little sac of cells burrowing in. It feels like so long ago, even though it was just over 2 years ago. I'm going to be a mother of 2, and that just kicks ass.

I sure don't feel pregnant - October 20th, 2011

2011-10-20T18:46:00.001-04:00

So I sure don't feel pregnant. I feel like I remember 'feeling pregnant' by this point the first time around. I'm probably just psyching myself out, but I am just feeling like this didn't work. I will be testing tomorrow morning. That will be 7 days past 5 day transfer (7dp5dt) or the equivalent of 12 days past ovulation (12dpo). I testing with RoBet at 11dpo and got a negative, then tested again at 13dpo and got a positive. So, tomorrow is right between those and should hopefully give me a big fat positive result. I hope. I'll keep you posted.

Progesterone Results - October 18th, 2011

2011-10-18T10:25:00.001-04:00

My nurse gave me a call this morning with my progesterone level results. They want it to be over 15, and it is 32.6, so we are good to go with that this month. We will continue the progesterone in oil shots at the same level for now. If we do wind up being pregnant, this will continue until December 8th. Fun. My butt sure is sore on both sides at this point, so it will be a long few months of soreness, but it's worth it if it works out. For now, we just keep waiting and hoping for the best.

A little blue - October 17th, 2011

2011-10-17T14:14:00.001-04:00

I'm a little blue today (as are my embies that remain). All 8 were going strong as of Saturday, so we had high expectations for how many would be able to be frozen. Of the 7 that we did not transfer, only 3 made it to freezing. We lost the grade 3, which we expected, but then also 2 of the grade 2s and one of the grade 1s. It is the loss of the grade 1 that hits me especially hard, because if one of the perfect embryos wasn't strong enough to make it to be frozen, how likely is it that the single one that is inside me will make it to become a baby? I am seriously doubting my decision to put back only 1 embryo, and maybe I'd even go so far as to say I am regretting it. I'm trying to stay hopeful, but I am a worrier by nature, and am very worried right now. I had my blood drawn to check my progesterone level today, so I should know what that comes back at tomorrow morning. Hopefully it is nice and high.

I'm PUPO! October 15th, 2011

2011-10-15T11:43:00.002-04:00

So as of shortly before 10:00 today, I am pregnant until proven otherwise (PUPO). It was another challenging experience at the RE's office. My RE was still not in today, so I had the same doc that I've had for the last few appointments do the transfer. We arrived at 8:55, as we were told to be there by 9:05 and our transfer time was to be 9:20. So as 9:05 came and went, we were getting anxious. I had chugged 20 ounces of water between 8:25 - 8:30 so that I had a nice full bladder for the procedure. They do an on-the-tummy ultrasound for the transfer, and the full bladder helps them see the uterus better. Needless to say, the urge to urinate was very strong by 9:20. We were finally called back to the room at 9:25 - 20 minutes after we were expected to be called back and given the report on our embryos. We then proceeded to wait another 15 minutes, and by then, I was getting really upset. I needed to pee very badly, and I expected my embryos would be in me at 9:20 exactly. These things are usually a science right down to the minute, so waiting was very unexpected. The doc finally came in and gave us our report on our embryos. Hubby and I had a very lengthy discussion last night over sushi about what we would do in all sorts of scenarios. When that report was put in front of me, all my planning went out the window and I was just stammering and uncertain. Here's how it broke out:

1 grade 1 blastocyst
1 grade 1 early blastocyst
1 grade 2 early blastocyst
1 grade 1 morula
3 grade 2 morulas
1 grade 3 morula

What I did not expect was that so many of them would still be morulas instead of blastocysts and that all 8 would still be growing and dividing. I had thought about putting back the top embryo and the bottom embryo. In fact, as of going to bed last night, that is what we had planned to do. The doc said he would recommend putting back the top 1 or 2 embryos, either decision would be fine. So what did we decide? Well, picturing my pregnancy, delivery, and the future of our family, I picture just one at a time. I picture having one baby to add to our family in 9 months. I also picture not doing this process again, so sacrificing the extra 12% chance of success was difficult to do, but in the end, we opted to transfer our one top-of-the-line blastocyst. We hope most if not all of the others make it to be frozen (well, they will not freeze the grade 3, so that one is a loss), but we really have all of our eggs in one basket. Err, all of our eggs in one egg I guess. So now we wait. I have my progesterone level checked on Monday to ensure that the progesterone in oil shots that I am receiving are doing the trick. If not, they will probably up my dosage. That would not be fun. These shots hurt! And, if I am pregnant, they will continue until December 8th. Lovely. heh. OK, well, that's my update for now. Now I lay on the couch and rest for the next 2 days so that perfect little emby can settle in.

Transfer tomorrow, sushi tonight! October 14th, 2011

2011-10-14T16:15:00.000-04:00

Transfer is tomorrow at 9:20 AM! Eek! It feels like this week has been so long, but now it's almost go time! To celebrate, we bought a Groupon to a restaurant in a nearby suburb that we used to frequent for some great sushi. If all goes well, I won't be able to have it again for nearly 2 years (can't have it while breastfeeding either), so we're going to live it up! We still don't know if we'll be doing 1 or 2 embryos - it really all depends on the state of our little embies in the morning. I'll update you all tomorrow sometime with the results - then it's just 9 days wait until we know if it worked! Seems short now, but it will feel loooooong when we're in it!

Updated Fertilization Report (Day 3) - October 13th, 2011

2011-10-13T20:08:00.001-04:00

Sorry for the delay in informing you of what has been going on! These past few days have been Codeine-induced blur! So, first the update. As of this morning, here is the day-3 update:
1 10-cell grade 2
3 8-cell grade 1
2 8-cell grade 2
1 7-cell grade 3
1 6-cell grade 2

If you count those up, you will see that all 8 are still growing and dividing! That is amazing! Based on the reports yesterday and today, we have decided to do a day-5 transfer, which will be Saturday. We still don't know how many we are going to transfer, as they certainly won't all make it to be frozen. On day 5, the embryos become known as blastocysts and the grading scale changes. The criteria for freezing are more rigorous than the non-blast transfer criteria. So, right now I'm leaning toward transferring one top-quality embryo and one low-quality embryo that probably won't make it to freezing. I'm not sure if that is what is going to happen or not, but that is how I am leaning today. We really won't be able to make the call until we are at their office on Saturday with the final report. What a nail biter!

Another update, is that Tuesday night I woke up in a ton of pain - like a 9 on the 10-point scale. I woke up Hubby and he called Dr RE's pager, but couldn't get in touch with him for awhile, so we decided to head to the hospital. While we waited for my Mom to come over (it was midnight!) to be here in case RoBet woke up, Dr RE called back. He said do NOT go to the ER, as they would take one look at my ovaries and put us through tons of very expensive and unnecessary testing. Instead, he wanted us to come to his office at 8AM Wednesday morning. To get through the night, he OKed the use of a heating pad (which is off limits otherwise) and to take 2 of my Tylenol-3s, which have codeine in them on top of the one I had taken at bedtime. As it turns out, it was just the size of my ovaries causing the pain. Normally, an ovary is the size, roughly, of a golf ball. During stimulation, they become the size of grapefruits. After follicle aspiration, they collapse back down to almost normal size. Then, the follicles fill back up with fluid and actually grow larger than they were during stimulation! I didn't know they grew even LARGER! Well, my ovaries were bigger than the size of grapefruits - up to the size of small cantaloupes! And because of the strange location of my left ovary, and the suddenness of the swelling, it really moved other stuff around inside causing the intense and sudden pain. Several T-3s and much bedrest later, I am on my way to feeling better now. Thankfully it was not OHSS or an infection, and all is getting better now.

Tomorrow I will be getting a call from my nurse to set up the time for our transfer on Saturday and to give me the details of everything I need to know about transfer day. My embie(s) are almost home - I cannot wait to be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise)!

Fertilization Report - October 11th, 2011

2011-10-11T17:00:00.002-04:00

The fertilization report was called to me this morning. Apparently the count of 10 eggs was not just the mature ones, but all eggs retrieved. =( There were 2 immature eggs, leaving 8 mature ones that they could try to fertilize. Fertilization rates are normally around 70%, and slightly less with ICSI. ICSI is where they inject a single sperm into each egg and is done in case of male infertility, such as ours. So, with 8 eggs, we could expect 5 or maybe 6 to fertilize. The bit of good news is that we had 100% fertilization, meaning we have 8 fertilized eggs, or 1-cell embryos as of this morning.

What happens next?
Our nurse had said she expected us to do a day-3 transfer because of the low number of eggs we retrieved yesterday and the expectation that only 5 or so would fertilize, and that several would arrest in their development between fertilization and transfer. However, the embryologist that called me this morning advised that we would probably be a go for a day-5 transfer since they all fertilized. Only time will tell how many make it, and thus what day we do the transfer and how many we transfer. We will be getting a call each morning for the next several days to let us know how many embryos are still dividing and viable. I'll keep you posted, dear readers.

Egg Retrieval, More details - October 10th, 2011

2011-10-10T21:28:00.001-04:00

We drove RoBet down to a suburb nearby where our reproductive clinic is, to my sister's house. My mom had been caring for my sister's two girls while she and her husband were on a short getaway this weekend. Since we had to report no later than 8:45 this morning, we left plenty of time to get to this suburb and then into the city to the clinic. We arrived at 7:45 and got to see both of our nieces before they headed off to school, which was nice. At 8:00, I took a Xanex to get me 'relaxed'. Then at 8:10 we said goodbye to RoBet and headed to the clinic. We arrived there around 8:25. Hubby and I had to first report to the office next door and fill out some paperwork. I then left and he stayed to make his 'deposit'. This same office is where the embryos are cultured and stored, and frozen if we make it that far. But I get ahead of myself. I went next door to my clinic and signed in. It was 8:30. As I sat in the waiting room, at least a dozen other clients (couples and singles) came in and were called back. Hubby joined me at about 8:50. We waited and waited as the entire waiting room filled and emptied. I was getting more and more worried the longer we waited - why were all of these other people going back and we weren't? Were they there for other purposes, or is something wrong?! Finally, at 9:15, half an hour after I was instructed to be there, we were called back. We were taken to a recovery room and told that our room wasn't ready yet. Peachy. The nurse came in with a dose of some medication and I was told to drop my pants so she could inject me in the hip. Joy. She said it was a narcotic that would help me get through the procedure. Well, I was less unhappy about it then. After that, I was instructed to empty my bladder and clean my external lady bits with 3 wipes. I went in and did as I was told, but struggled to open the third medicated wipe. I don't know why it didn't want to open, but it really just didn't. I had to use my teeth to tear into it. Finally, with that task complete, I went back into the adjoining recovery room and sat. And waited. About 10 minutes later, our room was ready. We went in, and I undressed from the waist down. And we waited. At 10:05, the doctor finally came in. I asked if I should feel loopy or something, because I was fully alert, and was told that the drug would kick in later and I would forget what was happening. The doc had me sit back and inserted various items to clean out my vaginal canal and cervix. It wasn't that bad. Then he injected a local anesthetic to numb the vagina. That hurt quite a bit. I thought that was going to be the worst part. I was very, very wrong. I help Hubby's hand and turned to watch the monitor. Doc put in the ultrasound wand, and then tried to move one of the stirrups that my foot was in to make more room. The stirrup would not move. I lifted my foot in the air, with the other foot in the stirrup and the wand sticking out of my hoo-ha. He struggled for a minute, then asked the nurse to do it. She struggled with it for a few minutes mumbling about where it should fit, but it wasn't going over there. Hubby really wanted to jump in and help - he is an engineer after all - so finally they let him, and he had it fixed in about 30 seconds. My leg was getting very tired. After all that was over, I was feeling slightly amused and hopeful. That ended very quickly. Doc said, "Now, I've never had this done, but I hear it feels like pressure, then a pinch, then more pressure." OK, I thought, I can do that. Sure. Instead, what it felt like was a jab, stick, and holy hell that hurts and burns and good lord, why? Why, why, why? He began to aspirate each follicle, and I figured I could take my mind off of it a bit by watching and counting how many he emptied. That worked for the first 10 follicles (all on the right side). He then said he had 4 more to aspirate on that side. I was no longer watching. I was gripping my Hubby's hands like my life depended on it, and desperately wishing that I would just pass out. I would have given just about anything to pass out at that moment. And it just kept going on and on and on. All in all, I think this part of the procedure took about 10 - 12 minutes. It was the most horrible 10 - 12 minutes of my life. Seriously, I was gripping my husband's hands harder than I did during labor. I was whimpering and crying on the table. I was whispering, "No, make it stop, help" in between soft sobs and whines. It was simply awful. And it went on and on. My left ovary gave at least 6 follicles, maybe a couple more. After it was done, doc and nurse tried talking to me. I don't really remember what they said, but I just didn't care. I remember thinking that if I could talk, I would tell them to fuck off. They, of course, didn't deserve that, but it was all I could think of in that moment. Maybe it was good that I couldn't talk. I'm not sure how long I laid on that table whimpering and sobbing softly after they left. I nearly threw up several times and was given medicine to keep the nausea at bay. I was given little sips of water to help with the dry mouth caused by the pointless narcotic that did nothing. I was in excessive amounts of pain for several hours after the procedure. I'm still in quite a bit of pain, but it is manageable now. In all, they aspirated at least 20 follicles. When the nurse came back, she said we got 10 eggs. It is normal to have a couple of follicles not hold eggs, but for half or more to not hold eggs is very strange. I don't yet know why this happened to me. My guess is that it has to do with how quickly the follicles jumped in growth, but I am certainly not qualified to make that judgement at this time. I will have to have a talk with my doctor in a few days to try and understand why this happened to me. Meanwhile, I await my fertilization report tomorrow morning. What we hear tomorrow will tell us whether we do a 3-day transfer or a 5-day transfer. We were certain, until after the procedure, that we would be doing a 5-day transfer of 1 embryo. We had so many mature follicles, how could we not have enough embryos to do that? Now, we are nervous that we won't have enough to even make it to a day 5 transfer, and that means we will not know the quality of the embryos we transfer. So, I am just in a bad way today. I am depressed and expecting the worst now. This process just sucks all the way around.

Egg retrieval - October 10th, 2011

2011-10-10T16:37:00.001-04:00

What a rough day. The egg retrieval (ER) did not go well today. I will post more details later, but it was horribly painful and I was way too alert. I was whimpering and crying as it went on and on. They aspirated 20 follicles, but only got 10 eggs. I'm not even sure if those were all mature eggs, or if they will take those out of the count before the fertilization report tomorrow. :( I am very bummed today.

Wish me luck tomorrow - October 9th, 2011

2011-10-09T19:33:00.000-04:00

Egg retrieval (ER) is tomorrow morning. The retrieval is at 10:00, but we have to be there by 8:45. We have to do some crazy maneuvers to get RoBet to my Mom, who will be at my sister's house in the morning, since we cannot bring RoBet to the ER. That means that we have to leave here around 7:00 instead of 8:00. Meh. Oh well, we'll live. I'm super nervous about the procedure tomorrow. I am really not looking forward to being awake while they puncture the walls of my vagina to extract the eggs. That sounds really not fun. Hopefully I can distract myself by watching the follicles deflate on the screen. Maybe I'll be 'high' enough to tell the lab technician to be sure to pick the boy sperm. You know, the ones with penises. heh. OK all, wish me luck and I'll update tomorrow with the total egg count!

Good results - October 8th, 2011

2011-10-08T11:29:00.001-04:00

I got some good results at my checkup today. My follicles went from 11 - 14mm to 17.5 - 26mm! They doc was looking for at least 3 to be 18mmand we have 16 ranging from 17.5 - 26mm! He was pretty surprised that so many grew so fast - he even called the biggest ones 'monsters'. haha! So, we will take the trigger shot tonight (which is the same as the trigger shots that we did for our IUIs) and the egg retrieval (ER) will be Monday morning. I cannot believe how fast the stimulation phase went!

Some good news - October 5th, 2011

2011-10-05T16:07:00.000-04:00

This morning's appointment went well. The blood draw was uneventful. I had to wait a bit longer for the ultrasound than before, but it still wasn't too long. When the doc came in to peek at what was going on, he found that my uterine lining was a 7 already. It needs to be at least a 6 at transfer - and that is still at least a week away, so that's great! He then looked at my left ovary and saw 4 follicles right away. The ovary was being difficult to get into view, as always, so he though there were more but didn't feel a need to push around to view it better. They both measured in the 13 mm range. Then he looked at the right ovary, and it was full of all sorts of follicles, all of a similar size. They were between 11 and 14 mm, and he did a quick count of 7, again without probing or moving the wand around. So, we have a minimum of 11 good sized follicles, all growing at a nice rate. The doc wants at least 3 follicles of size 18 or larger for trigger (HCg trigger shot) and they grow at an average of 2 mm per day, so there is a good chance that we will be given the order to trigger on Saturday after our appointment putting our egg retrieval at Monday. That is nearly a week ahead of schedule! I guess we're making up time that we lost in suppression. haha! I then got the call about my E2 levels this afternoon. They were at 733, which is great for where we are in the process! So we will continue with what we've been doing until Saturday, and from there we'll probably be able to know the rest of the schedule. Exciting!

Off topic - Maggie - October 4th, 2011

2011-10-05T14:55:00.002-04:00

One of our sweet dogs, Maggie, died Monday night. She was 9 and was my husband's first dog of his own. He got her when we'd been dating for about 6 months and she and I fought and fought over those first few years. Heh. She was a Scottish terrier, and they are all about being at the head of the 'pack', so she wanted to make sure I knew my place. She let me know that she was above me by ripping up my expensive fancy bras when I slept over, chewing my CDs, books, DVDs, just about anything she could get her teeth on. She proceeded to cost us thousands in damages on my husband's first house from tearing up carpet, chewing drywall, chewing wood steps and baseboards, and peeing all over the place, forcing us to replace all of the carpet in every room. But I wouldn't have traded her for anything. Around age 3, she calmed down and was the best dog anyone could ask for. She was loyal, loving, and had that 'sixth sense' some pets do about when to cuddle with us, when we were hurt or sad, etc. She was so much fun and loved to play - she would run after toys and give them the 'death shake' when she caught them. She was so tolerant of RoBet even though she is a rough-and-tumble toddler. Maggie would run after us when we'd be pushing RoBet in her Cozy Coupe car and RoBet would laugh and laugh. I have so many good memories of Maggie, and I already miss her so much. It's strange how in a house with a toddler and 8 pets, the loss of just one can make it feel so empty. Feeding time is the worst time. Maggie loved feeding time. I would get so mad at her because she'd stick her giant schnoze in and try to (often successfully) steal some of the other dogs' food. I would bop her on the nose with the scoop and she would love it because it left a dog-food powder on there that she would lick off. I wish so much that she was still here to steal their food. I wish she was here so I could give her extra food. I'd make her whatever she wanted if she could be here for just one more day. It's hard in a house with so many 'people' around, because you never feel like you've given each of them enough attention and love. I just hope she knew how much she was loved, and that her death wasn't terribly painful.

It caught us fairly off guard. About a month ago, she had suddenly become severely lethargic and turned away from food and water. She wouldn't move, eat, or drink. I called the vet and got her in on an emergency appointment that same day. The docs found that she was anemic, but the physical exam showed nothing. Further bloodwork showed nothing out of the ordinary other than the anemia - no cancer or anything. So, we had 2 bottles of pills to give her. She was eating a little that night, and like normal the next day. Within a couple of days, she was moving around almost like before, though a bit slower and less lively to be sure. We helped her up and down stairs a bit for the next few weeks, but she seemed much better. We figured she probably was getting some arthritis due to old age, so we ordered some glucosamine online. It didn't make it in time. Monday night, again very suddenly, she took a rapid turn for the worst. Just before 7:00 PM, she pooped on the floor right next to RoBet and I as we were playing. Hubby cleaned the poop and I took Maggie upstairs. Hubby took her out, and I didn't think much more of it as I watched RoBet. Hubby called down that she was laying outside and not moving, which is exactly what she had done for me a month before. I told him that, and went online trying to do some more research. He called me upstairs, and I saw Maggie trying to walk across the floor, but stumble and fall down, panting and gasping. Hubby ran down to get the vet's number. It was about 7:05. After a few calls back and forth to the vet and waiting about 15 minutes, we knew it was bad. Maggie was nearly catatonic. We took turns petting, hugging, and kissing her and trying to sooth her. RoBet picked up on our anxiety and was screaming and crying. I put her to bed, and I called the vet back, tired of waiting for their return call. They said the on-call vet was on his way in, and we should bring her in. Hubby did so, but we knew it was the end. I kissed her one more time, and he took her off. She stopped breathing a few times on the way in. Her heart nearly stopped when she arrived. The nurse massaged it to bring her back, but that didn't help. The doc gave medicines to restart her heart, but they didn't work. By 8:15, Hubby was home without Maggie. In an hour and 15 minutes, it was all over, just that fast. She was only 9. The doctor thinks it was probably an enlarged heart and lungs that resulted in a heart attack. She had had a perfect annual checkup in June. No issues. Lively, healthy, full of energy and spirit.

Maggie is gone, and the rest of us are left to go on without our 'pack leader'. I could go on even longer about how sad we are, but I guess I've vented enough. Next post will be back on topic, I promise. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Goodbye Maggie. We love you and miss you more than you will ever know.

Woot! We are a go for stims - September 30th, 2011

2011-09-30T14:15:00.001-04:00

Wow! I can hardly believe it! We are a go for stims! Our doc wanted the E2 below 80, other clinics go with below 60 or even sometimes below 40. Last week I was 158 and today I was 44!!! So we are almost as low as the lowest clinic looks for! So, starting tomorrow, we drop the Lupron to 5 ccs and use 2 vials of Bravelle morning and night. Next appointment is next Wednesday morning. Woohoo - off we go!

On pins and needles - September 30th, 2011

2011-09-30T13:05:00.001-04:00

I went for another blood draw this morning and am waiting to hear the results. I am just on pins and needles! The outcome of this blood draw could mean that we get to move on to stims tomorrow, or that the past 9 weeks have been a waste and the cycle will be cancelled. It is also possible that they will continue to try and suppress me even if my E2 is still up. I don't know what way it will go, but I have a feeling of foreboding. I have this awful sense that it is not low enough and the cycle will be cancelled. I will know in the next 4 hours. For now, all I can do is keep waiting.

Just waiting . . . again - September 27th, 2011

2011-09-27T18:36:00.000-04:00

So I haven't posted in the last few days because, well, there's just nothing to post. Still on the Lupron. Still feel like crap. Still POed about being delayed. Still feeling sorry for myself. Oh, I guess there is something new. My period started, so I feel like even worse shit than before. yay. I'm going to go crawl back into my hole again now. Maybe I'll have some good news at the end of the week.

Craptastic - September 23rd, 2011

2011-09-23T15:12:00.002-04:00

What a craptastic day. I went out this morning in the pouring rain and made the journey to my RE's office. I got there early - I was told the lab opened early for the IVF patients to get their bloodwork done in the morning at 7:45. Because the traffic between here and there is very unpredictable, I left early to be sure to get there on time. I arrived at 7:20 and prepared to read my book in the parking lot while I waited for the office to open. I saw a lady coming out of the office and wondered if they might be open already. So I watched two other people pull up and walk in within about 3 minutes. I figured 'what the heck' and got out and dashed through the rain to get inside. Sure enough, there was a sign indicating for IVF patients to sign in on a clipboard. I signed in and sat down and within 2 minutes was called back. Great! So I went back to have my blood drawn. The nurse was very nice and stuck the needle in, missed, moved it in and out under the skin a few times with no luck and then started rolling it around and finally hit the vein. So that sucked and had me breaking out in the sweats. But it was over quickly, and I headed off a few doors down to have my baseline ultrasound (u/s) done. This is done to check that the ovaries are quiet and that everything is ready to be stimmed. So a new doc comes in that I haven't met before. I forget his name already, so let's just call him Dr. ouch-that-hurts-and-you-have-terrible-bedside-manner-and-didn't-even-feign-sympathy. Err, how about Dr. O for short? So Doc O puts the ultrasound wand in and looks to the right side. Ovary pops up and there are a few dark spots on it, but I guess that's OK, because he said it looks nice and quiet. Then he comes back to center and asks if my period (AF) has started. I said no, and he said it looks like I have a thin lining of about 6 and some fluid in there, so the lining is breaking down and I should expect a light AF. OK, I was actually expecting one to start earlier this week, so no problem there. Now he went looking for my left ovary. Now, ol' leftie is the one that has given us fits before, so I warned him that she is sometimes hard to find. He starts poking around, and the wand is being pressed harder and harder into my vaginal canal. The cramping is getting more and more intense and painful as he does this. I'm watching the screen and thinking "please show yourself now" as he pokes and presses on my belly and stretches the wand around and I think "Oh crap, this is going to put me into shock again, isn't it?" because that's what usually happens to me with this much pain in my lady parts. Actually, that would have been nice, because I could have blissfully distanced from what was going on if that had happened. But it didn't. Instead, I was right there, feeling it all. He has no luck finding her where he thought she'd be, so he pushes the wand up really high into my body. This moves the cramping from low to high, no less awful. Just like if a clamp is smashing your arm just below the elbow and then moves to smash your wrist, it still hurts like hell and doesn't really offer any relief. In any case, I can no longer keep my eyes open or keep quiet at this point, so I start moaning with the pain and push my head back with my eyes clamped shut. Mind you, I did not moan in pain when I was in labor for 37 hours with RoBet. That should give you an idea of how much this sucked. Finally he says, OK, caught a glimpse of it, and it is quiet too. I'm not sure if he really did or not, but after about 5 minutes of that pain, I no longer cared. I lay on the table panting and sweating for a minute and he says, "you can sit up anytime" like he's irritated that I'm not sitting up to address him yet. I finally am able to sit up, and he says that the nurse will meet me in the hallway. The meeting with the nurse was quick - just that they'd call me with the results of my blood work at what I thought was 12:30, and if all looks good, we'd be on to starting our stims tomorrow. Yay - finally stim time! She asked if I had any other questions, and I told her that I did not, so I left to come home. I got about halfway home, and the highway became a parking lot because of accidents caused by the rain. I still got home much earlier than I had anticipated, which was great. Let's fast forward to 2:00. Still no call from the nurse. This was making me very nervous, so I called their office. As I began to leave a message, my caller ID beeped in, and it was my nurse. I clarified the time with her, and she said that the lab sends them the patient results at 12:30, but that the doctor has to review the results and then she has to call everyone, so I should expect a call back between 1:00 and 5:00 in the future. OK, no problem. However, there was a problem. My estrogen levels (which I believe are called E2 levels) were supposed to be below 80. They were 158. What does that mean? That means that it is not, in fact, stim time. =( I have to continue on the Lupron - the medicine that is making me feel like total crap - for another week and then drive all the way back there for a blood draw in a week to see if we can start stims a week from tomorrow. I am so sad. I know it's only a week delay, but this month has really felt like an eternity already. Another week of more of the same feels like a horrible sentence that I don't feel up to. So, I'm feeling very down in the dumps this afternoon. I hope my sweet girlie wakes up soon from her nap, and that she is in a very good mood, because I need a happy little girl to make me feel better.
_____________________________________________

Updated to add one more bitch. I am running out of the horrible medicine, and this delay means that I had to order another vial to make it through the extra week. I called the pharmacy to get a refill, spoke the Rx number twice and punched it in on the phone twice with the stupid system unable to understand it for some reason. I was transferred to a rep, which mean I sat on hold for 10 minutes. Spoke to that person, who transferred me to another department, who transferred me to another department before I could finally order the f-ing vial of Lupron. Like I needed to spend 30 minutes screwing around with the pharmacy in addition to everything else today.

Milestone: Last BCP - September 17th, 2011

2011-09-17T20:27:00.000-04:00

Today I took my last birth control pill (BCP). We're off to the races a week from now with stims starting next Saturday! Meanwhile, I continue my Lupron injections at the same dosage.

Also, today was our 6th anniversary. 6 years ago at this time, I was having the time of my life at a wedding that went perfectly, and we were surrounded by the very best friends two people could ever hope for. Our lives have changed tremendously, but we have so much to be thankful for. I wouldn't trade this life for any other.

And a picture too - September 16th, 2011

2011-09-16T11:20:00.002-04:00

Here's a recent picture of my sweet little RoBet. She is so awesome!

Big girl update - September 16th, 2011

2011-09-16T09:56:00.000-04:00

So in all of the excitement with the IVF, I hardly ever report on my current cutie! She is getting so big so quickly! Yesterday, she went pee-pee in the potty three times! Whenever we go, we have been setting her on the potty, but with pants and diaper on. The day before yesterday, just before her evening bath, Daddy set her on the potty while he ran the bathwater. When she stood up, there was pee in the potty! So, I put her on 4 times yesterday, and out of 4 attempts, she went pee 3 times! Already! At 15 months old! I hope this continues - I would love to have her potty trained early and not use diapers as long. That would be better for the environment and better for our wallets! No luck so far today, but I've only offered once. She has been drinking fluids though, so maybe now is a good time to try again. I think we'll go try that now . . .

Meds, meds, and more meds - September 13th, 2011

2011-09-13T21:13:00.001-04:00

This process uses quite a lot of meds. Here are a couple of pictures. The first is of all of the meds and med 'supplements':

This one is of just the needles I will be using over the next month:

And if this works out, there will be several more vials of progesterone in oil and daily needles for it. Good times, good times. I sure hope this results in a baby, dangit!

Houston, we have injections - September 10th, 2011

2011-09-10T13:51:00.003-04:00

So today I gave myself my first injection of many to come. I think I did pretty darn well. The injections of this medication are to be given in the mornings for the next 4 weeks. So I had the option of getting up at 5:15 to have my husband give them to me, or I could suck it up and give them to myself later in the morning. Since they are subcutaneous injections, they are much easier than the hCG injections that we've had to do for the IUIs (and that we will have to do for the IVF too). Those are intramuscular (IM), so they have a different target area for the injection and they hurt more. In any case, today's medication is called Lupron. It is used to make sure that my body doesn't ovulate before my doctors want me to. That's why I will be on it for the next 4 weeks - that is how long I have until they are ready to retrieve the eggs. *sigh* That is such a long way away! In the meantime, I continue taking birth control pills for one more week while doing the Lupron injections. Then, the week after next, I will be giving myself the Lupron injections without the BCPs. After that, it's stim time! I will be taking 2 vials of stims, twice a day. Luckily, we can mix the stim medication, which is in powder form, with just one vial of sterile liquid, meaning that I only have to give myself 1 shot of it twice per day, plus the Lupron. That means that I will be giving myself a total of 3 shots per day starting 2 weeks from now. Fun. Thankfully, they are all subcutaneous. The injections that are IM are the hCG shot, which hubby will give to me 36 hours before the time my egg retrieval is scheduled for. Then the progesterone in oil shots (POI) which from what I understand, suck quite a lot, are IM as well. I will be on them for 2 weeks for certain, and if I am pregnant, for 6 - 8 weeks after that for a total of 8 - 10 weeks. Joy. But, we have a lot of sub-Q shots to get through first. And today was the first. One down, approximately 66 to go.

So many fears - August 27th, 2011

2011-08-27T18:29:00.003-04:00

So I've been a bit of an emotional wreck today. I'm filled with so many fears, many of them conflicting with one another. I'm scared that this procedure won't work. I'm scared that it will. I'm scared of the procedure itself. I'm scared of all of the injections. I'm scared of the egg retrieval. I'm scared of going through it all and having no high quality embryos to transfer. I'm scared of having too many good embryos and not knowing what to do with them. I'm scared to transfer only 1 and have it not work. I'm scared to transfer 2 and have them both stick. I'm scared of how emotional the meds are going to make me. I'm scared of being pregnant with twins. I'm scared of raising twins and a toddler. I'm scared of going bankrupt trying this process multiple times and it still not working. I'm scared to be a mother of 2. I'm scared to forever be a mother of only 1. I'm scared that RoBet will have a hard time accepting the new baby. I'm scared that she won't transfer to her new room with a bed well before the baby comes. I know there are many other things I'm scared of right now that I'm forgetting to write. I just hope I'm brave and strong enough to make it through this without driving myself mad. I know many have, so I'm sure I can too. I just don't feel very strong right now.

And so it begins - August 26th, 2011

2011-08-26T18:27:00.003-04:00

This time it is definitely going to happen - no lucking out at the 11th hour for us this time around. Today is cycle day 1 (CD1). We have our antibiotics and birth control pills in hand and have been directed to begin taking them on Sunday of this week. We've paid our deposit, had our IVF therapy session (mandated by our doc for all IVF patients), pre-authorized the procedure and medications with our insurance, taken all sorts of blood tests and lady-bits tests, and now the time is finally here. We have officially started our first IVF-ICSI cycle. What lies ahead, you may ask. Well, you bet'cha I'm gonna' tell ya'.

Next week (8/28 - 9/3): Expect a call from our insurance company confirming that the RE's office has contacted them and that everything is set up from their perspective. Expect a call from our prescription insurance for the same purpose. Expect a call from Dr. RE's nurse to set up our protocol meeting, where we will discuss what medications I will be taking, how many injections there will be each day, when and how to do them, and all sorts of other details. This appointment should occur either next week or early the following week on either Tuesday or Wednesday of each week. Immediately after that appointment, we will have 'injections class' where we will learn about where to place each of the medications, the best methods for doing the injections as painlessly as possible, and all sorts of other needle-related fun that I am unaware of at this point.

Week of 9/4 - 9/10: Continue birth control pills. Begin Lupron at the end of the week (injection).

Week of 9/11 - 9/17: Continue BCPs & Lupron injections.

Week of 9/18 - 9/24: Stop BCPs but continue Lupron injections. Expect period this week due to stopping the BCPs. 9/23 will be my baseline lab (b/w) and ultrasound (u/s) where they will check to ensure that my ovaries are nice and quiet and see how many follicles are ready to start growing. Begin stims (1 or 2 different injections) on 9/24.

Week of 9/25 - 10/1: Continue with smaller dose of Lupron and stim, stim, stim those follicles! 9/28 another lap and u/s appointment. 9/30 begins the window of possible egg retrieval (ER), but most likely will be a week or so later. 10/1 will be another b/w and u/s appointment.

Week of 10/2 - 10/8: Expect ER this week. Appointments will be every day or every other day for b/w and u/s this week, depending on how my body responds. Injections will be adjusted with every appointment to ensure good growth, but try to not overstimulate me (will talk about possible repercussions of over-stimulation later).

Week of 10/9 - 10/15: Expect ET early this week, if it wasn't late in the prior week.

Then the beta (blood test to check if pregnant) will be 2 weeks from ER. This will likely be around the 23rd of October or so, if I had to guess. So that's pretty much my life for the next 2 months. It's going to be a wild ride.

Nothin' much to report - August 22nd, 2011

2011-08-22T21:46:00.002-04:00

Sorry I've been so quiet. I haven't had much to report lately. My sonohistogram (SHG) came out a-OK, just like we thought it would. I was a little sad that we didn't do IUI this month because when the doc was scanning my bits during the SHG, he quickly peeked at the ovaries and I briefly saw 4 good looking follicles in there that were wasted. =( Today I called my RE's nurse to get the counts on hubby's sample that he provided to be frozen before the process (a mandatory step just in case there are zero sperm available on 'go day'). The count was 1.6 million before the wash. That is the count we had after the wash that resulted in RoBet, and it was an abysmal post-wash count. Of those, 18% were motile. That means, had we done IUI, we would have had around 280,000 for the procedure. So, I no longer feel quite as sad about not doing the IUI this month - there was just no chance for it to work anyway. So I'm just waiting for cycle day 1 to come so that we can get started on the antibiotics and birth control pills. It feels so exciting and yet so far away right now! The process takes about 8 weeks, and in infertility time, that is a looooong time to wait! I am cautiously optimistic. I will feel better once we get started I think. I just hate not moving forward. I do not do well being inactive in moving toward my goals. We will be soon though, and if it's anything like my pregnancy and RoBet's first year, it will pass by all too quickly and I'll be left wondering where the heck the time went!

Just another day - August 9th, 2011

2011-08-09T19:57:00.002-04:00

So I wouldn't say that I have this stay at home mom thing down yet, but I'm getting there. I think I'm working too hard though. haha! I am working very hard when RoBet naps, and when she is content with her toys too. I am mostly sorting, organizing, and generally getting the house up to a higher standard of organization for now. Luckily, I haven't had to do any 'standard' cleaning yet, meaning that all of my energy could be spent on 1. catching up on undone chores (like half a dozen extra loads of laundry) and 2. special projects (thanks Mom for making that happen!). I have begun to clean out the two desks in our loft. We are going to condense down to the one smaller desk and get rid of the bulky old computer desk. It's one of those $99 sauder wood contraptions that really isn't meant to be moved at all without falling apart. Amazingly it has made the journey from my first apartment after college to my husband's first house, our second beautiful house that we left last year, and to our current home. I'm ready to say goodbye though without mourning it. Hopefully someone on Freecycle is interested in coming to get it and help my husband get it out of the loft. I plan for that to be gone by the end of this week. Then I will begin removing all of the books from the bookshelves in the large guest bedroom. Once the shelves are empty, we will move them into the loft. They won't all fit, and I'm not sure how they will look there at all. Time will tell, but this is really the best solution for our 'library'. There's actually a little nook in the banisters where we plan on putting a recliner from the guest room too. The second recliner and rocking chair will no longer have a home soon though. Again, hopefully Freecycle can help with that. I figure that the book and shelf moving will take me at least through next week, probably even the week after that. Once that is done, I will have to clean out the closet in that guest room. The small guest room closet is already crammed with bins of baby clothes, extra blankets, pillows, sheets, and our empty luggage. So, I'm not sure where the extra baby stuff and my scrapbooking stuff will go. Again, time will tell. heh. Once all of this is done, we will begin shopping for 'big girl' furniture of RoBet. *sniff* It tears me up just thinking about it. But we want her to be transitioned to a bed by the time that baby #2 comes along, so we've got to get the room ready! I don't know what my next project will be once this is done, but I think it will take me long enough to complete that I will think of something new by the time it becomes an issue. Hopefully I'll be pregnant by then, and my next project will be growing a kiddo!

How quickly things change - August 2nd, 2011

2011-08-02T21:25:00.003-04:00

So things have changed drastically since I last posted a little over 2 weeks ago.

1. I am no longer employed. I have become a full-time stay at home mom. It doesn't really feel real just yet. I've only been doing this job for 2 days and it is exhausting, but fulfilling, work.

2. IUI #2(5) was a BFN, which was totally expected.

3. We had our IVF consultation today. The expectation was that we were doing IUI #3(6) this cycle and next cycle we would begin IVF. However, Dr. RE told us today that we need to do another test this time for the IVF since I have carried a pregnancy. They want to check my uterus to make sure it is still in good shape and that I have no cysts. Apparently it is common for the uterus to change permanently following a successful pregnancy and delivery. The problem with this is the timing. I will be on vacation the rest of this week and Dr. RE is on vacation all next week, and he wants to do the test himself. I would be having the next IUI somewhere in the second half of next week, and the test cannot be performed after the IUI because if there was an embryo or an early pregnancy, the solution used in the test would wash it away. So, we had to decide whether to do IUI #3 and put of IVF for another month, or to skip IUI #3 to keep the IVF cycle on track. The IVF timing would mean that we start meds for suppression around the beginning of September, with stimulation beginning in October, and an egg retrieval around the middle of October. That cycle would end around the end of October. That is 3 months from now, and that is the absolute soonest we can get there. If we tack on another month for the IUI and the test, that means the end of November. We talked it over, and although it's hard to make the call, we've decided to pass on IUI #3. It was hard to do, since that was our magic number the first time in ttc, but the odds are even lower this time. We are at a .5% chance of success with our numbers where they are now. With IVF-ICSI, we are at a 44 - 56% chance of success, depending on if we transfer 1 or 2 embryos. I'll talk about those details more later, as it is getting late and we leave on vacation early in the morning. So, we are out for this cycle, with a chance for success of a natural cycle somewhere around 0.001%. That makes me very sad, and I am very nervous about IVF. It is scary to think about the process and how invasive it is, but it is our best shot at getting a sibling for RoBet and a second sweet baby for us. So, that's the plan. Wish us luck!

Ultrasound results - July 14th, 2011

2011-07-15T08:00:00.002-04:00

Today was my follicle ultrasound for IUI #2 (5). DH was able to come to the appointment with me as he had taken the day off of work for another appointment. His physical blood draw showed that his blood sugar was a bit off, so they had him do a 2-hour test, which is very similar to the 1-hour test that I had to do when pregnant to check for gestational diabetes. We should hear the results today. Hopefully everything came back within the normal range - fingers crossed!

Dr. Shortstick ended up doing my ultrasound this time, and will be preforming the IUI for us as well as Dr. RE is on vacation. Hopefully he's doing something fun! I told Dr. Shortstick that I didn't mind her as a stand-in as she did the IUI that lead to RoBet! In any case, she was able to see the right ovary easy-peasy as usual. And inside was one nice big follicle at 20.7. There was another one next to it, but she didn't measure it for some reason. It was shaped weird (kind of rectangular), so maybe her experience tells her that those kind are empty and have no egg inside. In any case, she went on a hunt for that elusive left ovary next. And boy was it hiding! She had to poke and prod and push to find it, but she did! And inside was a second beautiful follicle at 18.1! So, we have 2 good follicles with eggs this time - hooray! And my lining was good at 9.7 - remember that the goal is 8 - 10, with 10 being perfect! So, I am much happier with my body this time around. I guess it just needed another month of recuperation from breastfeeding to get things right! Now we wait and see what DH's counts are like. We're hoping for 44 million - that's reasonable, right? =) OK, I'll settle for anything over 1.5 post-wash, but if it's over 2 million, I'm probably going to have my hopes pretty high up for this cycle.

Ultrasound is tomorrow - July 13th, 2011

2011-07-13T12:27:00.002-04:00

So my follicle ultrasound is tomorrow afternoon. I don't feel much "cooking" in there this month. I'm only expecting 1 good one again this time. It is so difficult to be optimistic - I just feel like I'm going through the motions at this point without much emotional investment. I know we're trying to conceive, but it's almost like I just don't expect it to happen for a long time at this point. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood these days.

Peep - July 11th, 2011

2011-07-09T21:47:00.002-04:00

Well, I tried to peep back on the 8th, but I have found that blogger and iPad do not get along. Apparently the box for typing my actual blog message isn't taken as a text box on iPad. So, sorry for the delay in making a peep!

I had a great week last week - both my husband and I had the week off of work, and we did a lot of fun things! We saw Grammy and Papa on Friday and Saturday before the holiday, then on Monday the 4th we went to the local parade. It was RoBet's first parade, and she loved it! I would share pictures, but we forgot to take the camera, so I don't have any. =\ Then on Tuesday, we went to the local zoo, which is a fantastic zoo. We all enjoyed that. Then on Wednesday and Thursday, my husband and I worked hard to clean out our basement, which has been a disaster since we moved when I was 8 months pregnant. That is now cleared out, and much stuff has been moved to the garage and is awaiting a garage sale (not sure when that will happen, but it will at some point before winter). On Friday I stayed home with Robet and Hubby went out shooting for awhile. Saturday found us at the local science museum, and that was a blast! RoBet loves the little kids area - especially the water table! She was soaked! Then yesterday we had friends over to play games, eat lunch, and prepare for an upcoming D&D campaign. What a great week!

Now back to reality. I have 3 weeks left of work, and LOTS of things to get done in that time. It's going to be a push to the finish, that's for sure! My follicle ultrasound is coming up this Thursday. Today is CD8, so that will be CD12. Eep! That means the IUI will likely be either Saturday, Sunday, or Monday. The first week of the cycle really does go by pretty quickly!

I hope everyone had a great holiday week!

Why Testing Early Can Suck - June 30 - July 2

2011-07-02T10:29:00.002-04:00

I could not help myself and started testing early. That is very easy to do when you can get a package of dip strip tests online at about $10 for 40 tests. I tested on Wednesday night - 8 days past IUI (DPIUI) and got a very faint positive result. I was over the moon - I couldn't believe it had worked on the first try! Holy schmoly! But as it was so very faint, I decided not to post anything until the next day when I could confirm that it was getting darker. So, I tested again Thursday night and didn't think I saw a line at all. =( I wasn't sure if it was real or just a fluke, so I waited until this morning (Saturday) to test again, figuring I would get a much darker second line if there was one to be had. Alas, there was not. I am 12DPIUI today, and not even a hint of a second line. I am fairly certain I am out this cycle at this point. I didn't think we'd be lucky enough for it to work with the numbers we had this cycle, but I must admit that with the strong progesterone number and that faint second line, for a day I was convinced that it had. Back to square 1 - AF should arrive within a couple of days.

Progesterone Results - June 19th, 2011

2011-06-29T09:19:00.003-04:00

I got a call from Dr. RE's nurse this morning with the results of my progesterone test from yesterday. Anything over a 10 is good. I've been having a short luteal phase since I stopped breastfeeding my daughter. What that means is that the period of time after ovulation before my period starts is too short. The 'normal' is 14 days from ovulation to the beginning of menstruation. Anything shorter than 12 days is borderline, and anything 10 days or less is too short and indicates a defect. My luteal phase has been under 10 days since RoBet was born.

Now, the cause of a short luteal phase is generally low progesterone. So, I figured that since my progesterone hoovered around 10 (8.8 & 11) before RoBet, it was probably in the 6 - 7 range now. The cycle that I was pregnant with RoBet, it was 28.5, so really through the roof! So again, I was expecting something quite low this time. Instead, it was a 15.6. Now, that's not through the roof, but compared with what I was expecting, I'm a bit surprised at how high it is. I was trying not to get too hopeful this cycle, I really wasn't. But that number is pretty good, so I have to say I am more optimistic now than I was a couple of days ago. I'm planning to begin testing on Friday morning. I may give in and start tomorrow though, just in case I had an early implantation and might see the result sooner. =) Ah, hopeful feels good. I just hope I'm not too crushed when I see that BFN tomorrow. lol!

It's Official - June 28, 2011

2011-06-28T10:38:00.002-04:00

Well, as of today, I am "out", so I can share here. I will be leaving my career to become a stay at home mom for awhile! I have been going back and forth on this decision since I found out that I was pregnant with RoBet, so it is high time to make it happen. I enjoy the people I work with, and my job is a pretty good fit for me too, but I just don't get enough time for all that I want to do with my daughter and in my home. I love to cook, but I am so pooped by the end of the day that I rarely do more than throw something in the microwave or pick up take-out. I love to garden, but it is all overgrown and stuff is going to seed because I never have the time to go out and tend to it (or use the veggies I would pick since I don't cook much!). I will get to take RoBet to the zoo, teach her to swim at the pool this summer, take her to reading time at the library, and so much more now that my days will be for her. I am so excited to start this new chapter of my life. And the icing on the cake is that my Mom and Dad will soon be here in the same suburb with us, so they can share in as much of RoBet's life as they want! Grammy plans to come to the zoo with us, and hopefully will join the pool with us too, as she always enjoyed being poolside with us growing up. I am so very optimistic about the months and years to come. It will be quite a large adjustment, and we will certainly have to sacrifice the "buy anything we want whenever we want" mentality, but it will be worth it. For my hubby, who will probably read this at some point, remember these benefits:
1. Healthier meals, no more "what fast food do you want tonight?" all the time.
2. No more doing laundry except on rare occasions.
3. The bulk of the shopping will be planned out and done without you having to go.
4. Happy wife and daughter!

Still no update on the IUI. Just in the two week wait now. I do get my progesterone checked this afternoon. Results will be in tomorrow. I had it checked 4 times the first time around in TTC. It was something like 9, 11, and 14 when I was not pregnant, but it was 28.5 the cycle that I was pregnant. So, thought it is not an indicator of pregnancy, it can be taken as a 'symptom' of pregnancy to have a significantly higher than normal level. I'll update as soon as I know!

IUI #1 (or 4) - June 21, 2011

2011-06-21T10:16:00.003-04:00

The day started with me rushing my husband's 'sample' down to the clinic to have it washed (recall that this is the process of removing the less than ideal sperm and all of the other components of the semen, leaving only the good sperm). I arrived there about 10 minutes before they opened, so I had to wait in the car with the jar tucked in between my legs to keep it warm. While I waited, 3 other cars pulled up with anxious looking men and women in them. I suppose I looked much the same to them. Then a man walked up to the door and unlocked it and went inside. This was about 3 minutes before the posted open time of 7:30. So, I got out and walked up to the door, only to find that he had locked it behind himself. *sigh* I went back to my car and continued to wait, this time tucking the sample jar in my armpit to give my legs a break. Three minutes later, the same man walked to the door from inside and unlocked it, so I jumped out of my car and went inside.

I approached the desk and said, "I have this sample to drop off for an IUI." The man was very friendly and said, "OK, sure. Just write your husband's name, your name, and his SSN on the side of the jar." Uhhhhhh . . . well, he had told me I didn't need anything other than to give them his name, so I didn't have his SSN with me. So I asked, "Can I just use my SSN?" To which he explained that doing so would result in his records permanently being under my SSN instead of his, which can be a problem if there are irregularities with the sample. I told him that yes, I fully expected irregularities with the sample, based on his problems from our first go-round a few years before. He then realized that my husband would already be in the system, and was able to find him by his name. Whew! Next he says, "OK, here is his SSN - write it on the jar please. Then just let me see your photo ID." Uhhhhhh . . . again, didn't know I needed anything, so my purse was in my car. I had to run out and get it, running past about 4 other people who were waiting in line while all of this transpired. *sigh* Finally we got everything sorted out and I was allowed to leave. I ran to the Panera Bread restaurant up the street to get some coffee and breakfast while I waited for 9:00 to roll around, which is when the procedure was to take place.

*****

I had my first IUI of trying to conceive (ttc) #2 Tuesday. That's IUI #4 total - I guess I'm an old pro at this by now. The counts weren't exactly what I'd hoped for, but they're not too bad. The pre-wash count was very bad at 4.2 million. Remember that a 'normal' count is 40 million+ and anything under 20 million+ is considered very low. Post wash though was a bit of good news. Under our old patterns, a count of 4.2 would have led to a post-wash count of 400,000 or less. Today it led to 2 million! That means that 50% of his total count was usable! Yay! We conceived RoBet with 1.8 post-wash, so, I am allowing myself a bit of hope.

The procedure itself wasn't bad at all this time. It's the first time my actual doctor did the procedure, always before it was another doc at the clinic. This time, Dr. RE came in and showed me his smiling face. He's always so happy - I really like his demeanor. He is a bit of a geek, which makes me feel so much more at home with him. He's not cold and stern like Dr. Shortstick. So as I scooched down on the table and put my feet in those oh-so-wonderful stirrups to 'present myself' for the insemination, he started making chit-chat. We had discussed my husband's counts, so apparently sperm was the topic of choice for him at that point. He began by saying, "Do you remember that doctor that, about 8 years ago, was inseminating all those women with his sperm?" I replied, "Ummhmm, I do recall that story, yes." He proceeded to go on discussing the details of the situation with that doctor at length, and as he was threading the catheter through my cervix, he declared, "Oh, but don't worry! I had a vasectomy!" All I could do was to laugh. That was really TMI, Dr. RE, but how hilarious that in that moment you realized that the topic could be taken as a bit unsettling! ha!

The procedure itself was as I remembered it - uncomfortable but not horrible. The rest of the day, however, was a bit more on the painful side rather than the uncomfortable side. The cramping was very intense for awhile, causing me to have to take a brief break from the meeting that I was running to allow the waves of pain to subside a bit. That was embarrassing as I couldn't explain why I needed that minute to just sit. Then for the rest of the day, it felt as though I had a bowling ball sitting in my uterus. Every step I took felt like that ball was wiggling around inside of me and hurt so much. But I made it through the day and even managed to care for my daughter, cook and clean up, and tidy up the house in preparation for the cleaning lady to come all by myself, as my husband was working late hours.

All in all, the process felt all too familiar. I not only remember the anxiety that infertility produces, I am living it all over again. Before my ultrasound, I had felt so much more at ease and in control, and now I feel just as helpless as I did two years ago. I know that RoBet is young and we have time, but I am ready to be pregnant now. I am ready to add to my family today, why must I be in such limbo? And for how long? So I must try to cling to the hope that this worked for us last time, even if it was a lightening strike, lightening can strike in the same place twice. I just hope it does for us.

IUI in half an hour! June 21, 2011

2011-06-21T08:38:00.003-04:00

I'm at the Panera Bread up the street having breakfast. I dropped off the 'sample' at 7:30 and my IUI is at 9:00. I am really hoping for some great numbers - that will make me feel so much better if they are good! I would like 10 million+ pre-wash and 2 million+ post-wash. Wish me luck!

Ultrasound is today! - June 17, 2011

2011-06-17T08:11:00.004-04:00

I'm really hoping for 3 good follicles of a size that we'll do the trigger shot tonight or tomorrow with the IUI Sunday or Monday! I'll post updates later today of what they find.
__________________________________________________________

Update: They only found 1 follicle, and it wasn't even ready yet. =( Boo! My 'good vibes' bubble just popped. Unless my husband's levels have dramatically improved, I'm not feeling hopeful for this cycle after all. Meh.

The waaaiting is the hardest part - June 15, 2011

2011-06-15T10:25:00.002-04:00

I don't really have much to report about myself these days. I'm just waiting and looking forward to my ultrasound on Friday to see how many follicles have matured. I've been feeling lots of 'activity' these past couple of days, so I suspect there are a few on each side. We shall see. Meanwhile, I've been pretty emotional these last few days. I've been tearing up randomly. For instance, I was sitting in a meeting this morning, just listening, nothing frustrating or anything, and I got misty eyed. It kind of drives me nuts because I'm an emotional person anyway, so I don't need any help getting emotional, thank you very much.

Now, on to good news! A friend of mine who has been trying to conceive for something like 8 years now has told me that she is 12.5 weeks pregnant! Hoooooorayyyy! It has been a long struggle for her, and I am so glad that she now knows that she will be a mommy, and that it will be soon. So let's all give out a cheer for her - yaaaay!

Last day of Clomid - June 12, 2011

2011-06-12T21:21:00.002-04:00

Today was my last day of Clomid for this cycle. 5 days at 100 mg, and none of the nasty side effects that I had last time! Yay! Well, I did get some headaches, but that is so minor compared to the hot flashes, emotional spells, headaches, and nausea from last time. My ultrasound is scheduled for Friday morning. Hopefully they will find 2 - 3 good sized follicles and a nice thick lining for the embryo to nestle into. Depending on what they find, the IUI will be scheduled for either Sunday or Monday morning of next week - eeek! It's just so exciting for it to be coming up so soon again. And this time it feels so different. I don't have all of the sorrow and loneliness that I felt the first time through these procedures. I feel hopeful, and confident that even if the IUIs do not work, we will still be pregnant by the end of the year. And that's OK. Even though that is 6 months away, it really doesn't feel that long. Sure, I would prefer to be pregnant sooner, but if that isn't what happens, I feel perfectly fine with that. I feel more of a sense of longing for all of the wonderful friends I have made over these past few years who are still waiting for their take-home baby. I just cannot stomach the heartache and loss that so many wonderful women (and men) go through, cycle after cycle. I feel so aware of it now, now that I know what I have learned from Rosalena in this past year. I wish there was something that I could do to help them fill their arms with the child they are dreaming of. Or even if there was a way to lessen their pain as they wait and experience disappointment after disappointment. I guess I'm just rambling now, sorry. Well, on to another week filled with promise and hope.

RoBet's First Birthday Pictures!

2011-06-12T21:09:00.005-04:00

See! I promised I'd put some up, and here they are!

Treatment Begins Anew - June 8, 2011

2011-06-08T07:50:00.002-04:00

As it turns out, Dr RE agreed with our plan. He still thinks we have a very low chance of success with the IUI treatment, but it worked before, so *shrug*. Rather than ordering a new semen analysis, the doc suggested we just find out with the first treatment. The cost is pretty much the same to do the analysis as the treatment, so again, *shrug*.

In any case, today is cycle day 3 (CD3), so I have a blood draw to test my FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone - make sure I'm not menopausal early) and then I start the Clomid! The doc has me on 100 mg again this time, like I was on in cycles 2 & 3 last time. It's kind of exciting, but I remember all of the nasty side effects. As if it's not already hot enough, hot flash city, here I come! And the headaches - bleh. But then I think of my awesome daughter and realize just how worth it all of this is. No amount of discomfort can dissuade me from working toward another awesome little munchkin. I need to get better at blogging from home, as that is where my camera and pictures are. I promise to get better, soon, since additional upcoming changes in my life will soon allow me more time for these things! More on that to come . . . for now - wish me luck with the test and the hormones!

The Journey Continues - May 2011

2011-05-25T11:37:00.004-04:00

It has been one year since my perfect little peanut entered the world. My experiences in motherhood have been nothing short of amazing. I have found that I am a better person now than I have ever been (if I do say so myself). I have a deep well of patience with my daughter than I ever thought possible. I *love* being a mom.

For this reason, as well as a few other, less important reasons, we are continuing on to the next leg of our unexpected journey. On May 31, almost exactly 2 years after we saw him the first time, we have a consultation with Dr. RE to form a game plan for treatments to conceive again. We actually began 'trying' at 9 months postpartum, but we expected very little from trying on our own due to our past experiences. I've been tracking/charting my cycles, and they're still erratic, but hopefully going to become more regular quickly. I breastfed until RoBet was 9 months old, so it is perfectly normal for my cycles to still be erratic, so no additional worries there.

What we think will be the go-forward plan is 3 cycles of IUI with Clomid again, like last time. Our chances for success were so small, but it still worked! If we can be that lucky once, it just might happen again. So, we're willing to give it a shot again this time, provided that nothing has gotten worse with either of us since 2 years ago. We assume that Dr. RE will order a slew of tests again to ensure that everything is as it was. We have to get a Cycle Day 3 FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) test done for our insurance coverage to ensure that I have not entered menopause early, in which case they will not cover treatments. This was not a problem before, so I have no concerns that it will be now. I think we'll also do a progesterone test to make sure I have adequate levels to sustain a pregnancy, should one occur. Lastly, I hope he will order a semen analysis for my husband to make sure that his levels haven't deteriorated further. Assuming that those all go well (along with any other tests he may order that I haven't assumed already), we'll jump right in with the IUI next month!

It is the strangest feeling, this 'baby fever' as it is sometimes called. Before RoBet, I wanted to be pregnant and have children, yes. However, the feeling I have now is so intense, so emotionally based, so raw. I cannot explain the difference adequately. It's funny, because I really did not like being pregnant at all, and now I long for it intensely. So, here's hoping that this method of treatment works for us again and we are pregnant in the next 3 - 4 months! Wish us luck!

A Happy Birthday - May 23, 2011

2011-05-24T13:47:00.003-04:00

We had a lovely birthday yesterday. RoBet turned 1. *sniff* It was bittersweet. She is such a little kid now, rather than a baby. She is walking, responding to conversation, trying to talk, interacting with people and toys and much, much more. She fills out her changing table now. When her head is nearly touching the end, her toes reach the other end. She fills out her crib much more now too. I look at her and realize that she is not a baby anymore, and it makes me proud and sad at the same time. I think she is funny, smart, and happy too. She laughs at my silliness, figures out new ways of causing mischief, and figures out problems. Like I said, she is such a kid now.

We spent the day together yesterday for her first birthday. We didn't do much, mainly because of the rain (it rained almost all day here). So, we watched it rain for a little while. That was peaceful. We practiced walking too - she loves to walk while you hold her hand or pushes along behind her toy, though she walks fairly well without any support too. We had a simple lunch together, and then she had a nap while Mommy played video games and tidied up. Then we went to the store and picked up fresh fruits and veggies for the week. After dinner, we gave her a strawberry shortcake roll with a candle in it and sang her 'happy birthday'. It took her awhile to realize that it was a treat for eating. She looked at it, sitting there on the plate that she's never used, then looked at us, then back at the plate, then back at us. After encouraging her to eat it with words and motions, I picked it up and held it out to her to taste. She took a nibble and her face lit up! Then she dove in with both hands. Her favorite part was the icing (just like Mommy), which she proceeded to suck off of her fingers, sometimes four at a time.

Although not eventful, it was a happy birthday for both RoBet and Mommy. Now we are looking forward to Saturday, which will be her birthday party. We have about 20 people coming to celebrate the day, and it should be a fun afternoon!

What a Difference a Year Makes - May 18, 2011

2011-05-18T12:12:00.002-04:00

As GDad pointed out in a recent comment, anyone who is still out there checking in from time to time is due an update. RoBet will be 1 year old next Monday, May 23rd. She is thriving and happy and just a joy, and I could not be more proud to be her mommy. This year has just gone by so quickly. OK, OK, I know that it has not gone by more quickly than any other year of my life, it just feels that way. We are planning a small birthday party for her with close family and friends over Memorial Day weekend. It should be nice - I hope the weather cooperates! We've had so much rain here lately! Her Grammy and Papa have bought her an awesome swingset that we're planning to put together on her birthday! We'll have lots of extra hands to help from all of our friends - they are just the best! So hopefully it will come together quickly and she can be swinging and sliding by the end of the day.

In other news, Grammy and Papa have decided to buy a house about 5 minutes away from us! We are so excited! They will be close enough to get together for dinner, see each other for a walk, etc. Yay!

I have much more to update on, but this will have to suffice for now. Hope all is well with anyone still out there!

An eventful evening (part 2 - watch me last hubby!)

2010-09-08T21:31:00.002-04:00

So I'm posting these mostly for my husband who is away on business in Japan. He missed being present for a few pretty cool things tonight, but at least I caught them on video! I am sharing them here for all to enjoy, but mostly to make sure he can! This one takes an unexpected twist. Make sure you watch the other one first, hubby! Oh, and it looks like the choppiness and missing audio is gone now - huzzah!

An eventful evening (part 1)

2010-09-08T21:16:00.005-04:00

New accomplishment tonight - grasping with intent! Look at how she decides she's going to grasp something, puts her arm up, opens her hand, and then she grasps it! Amazing! And I like where the ring ends up - how does it get there? haha! Sorry the video is choppy - I don't know why it runs that way. And the audio seems to have disappeared. Oh well!

Off Topic

2010-08-06T16:36:00.003-04:00

I have been putting off getting my wedding and engagement rings appraised for our insurance because I have just had so much else going on. I finally got around to it on Tuesday. I was told that my rings would be ready for pickup on Friday and they would call me to let me know what time. I didn't really want to leave my rings for three whole days (other places prices were higher but would have them ready for pickup the same day or next day. This place is a small local business though, so I chose them for price, proximity, and the quaint family feel). I still had no call as of today, so I just called the store. They told me they should be ready by next Tuesday. Next. Tuesday. I'm very upset! It's hard to be without my rings for so long - I wear them all the time, every day. Imagine going without underwear (assuming you wear it) for a whole week. That's what it feels like. And why in the hell does it take 7.5 days to appraise two rings? Grrrr.

Just an Observation

2010-07-31T15:55:00.003-04:00

I went back to work last week. It wasn't too bad. I missed my little girlie like crazy, but that is to be expected. In any case, I am breastfeeding my baby. If any of you are working mothers, or close to a woman when she had her baby and went back to work, you probably know about breast pumping. I have been pumping several times a day at work as my workplace is very good about encouraging breastfeeding for new mothers for all of the health benefits to baby. And if baby is healthy, mom doesn't have to miss lots of work to care for baby. Sorry, I digress. My observation is this - when my breast pump is working, it makes an interesting sound. In my head, it sounds like the pump is saying "breasto - breasto - breasto". I amuse myself by making up other phrases that it may be "saying" as it works. In any case, I found myself walking around the house today making wooshing sounds and thinking "breasto-breasto-breasto". I think I need more sleep.

Last Day of Maternity Leave - July 23rd, 2010

2010-07-22T21:42:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow is my last day of maternity leave. I've had a variety of feelings about my pending return to work, but recently it's been a blend of apprehension and sadness. I'll miss my little girl something awful and I'm afraid that she won't get as good of care as I can give her. Realistically, she'll probably get better care from those who are more familiar with her development. But darnitall, I'm Mommy! I give the best attention, hands down! I really just need to calm down and accept that it will be what it will be. If I really can't stand it, I can always leave work. I've promised myself at least a full month of trying before I really think about it again. Once that month is up I can reconsider my feelings, but until then, I need to give work my attention again. I really do enjoy working, so hopefully I can feel that pleasure of accomplishment again when I return. Only time will tell.

In the meantime, I have a heck of a busy 3 days coming up! Tomorrow is my baby girl's 2 month checkup! I hope she's been thriving. I've had breastmilk supply issues - perhaps I'll write more details on that later. Suffice to say that I hope she is gaining weight and growing appropriately from her last appointment and I'll be very happy with where we are. After the appointment with the pediatrician, we're headed for the daycare for another meeting with her new teachers. We'll get some last-minute questions answered and then we're off to the hospital (one pretty far away actually, not the two closest to us) to return the hospital-grade breast pump that we've been renting. Finally, we hope to have dinner at an Indian restaurant in our old neighborhood since we've moved to the sticks and no longer have Indian food nearby. Saturday will be filled with a doctor's appointment for my husband and I for our insurance, then off to a suburb waaaay on the other side of town for a girls' afternoon out - manicures, pedicures, and dinner of some sort. Sunday will be filled with a visit from friends for some D&D (Dungeons and Dragons for all you non-geeks). Then we'll do some chores and we're headed for the work week. Eeek!

So wish me luck, please! It's gonna' be crazy 'round these parts!

I am a terrible blogger

2010-07-07T21:30:00.002-04:00

But, on the other hand, I have a most adorable baby girl! She was born in late May at 6 pounds and 14 ounces. She was a long little girl at 20 inches. She came 3 days after my due date and is now 6 weeks old. Here is a picture of the little munchkin. Bask in her adorableness! =)

Oh, and by the way, we really thought 'she' was going to be a 'he'. We were awfully surprised, but couldn't ask for a more delightful baby.

Six Weeks Left - April 8th, 2010

2010-04-08T15:15:00.002-04:00

I can hardly believe that I only have 6 weeks left in this pregnancy. Actually, that's 6 weeks until my due date - I'll be considered full term in just 3 weeks. Wow. We have a lot to do between now and then, that's for sure! We close on both houses on April 20th and move to our new home on the 21st. Two weeks from right now, we'll be in our new house. Crazy. That's all I have to post for now. Eventually I'll have pictures of the new house. When we remember the camera. And it's charged. And we have the memory stick. Eventually.

The Word of the Day is Lucky - March 11, 2010

2010-03-11T13:19:00.002-05:00

*tap tap* Is this thing still on? Anybody still out there? I wouldn't blame you if you weren't . . .

I was just thinking about things today and feel a very strong need to post. I've been really bogged down in some stressful situations lately. Work has been sucking every last ounce of energy out of me possible between challenging assignments, unrealistic timelines, and difficult coworkers. My husband was out of the country for a few weeks, leaving me to not only keep the house running, but deal with the trials of selling our house alone (with some help from Mom - thanks Mom!). And yeah, we've been trying to sell our house and buy a new one before baby comes. So I've had my share of stress these past few weeks. That's not what I want to post about though. What I want to post about is this: I am a very lucky person with a lot of things going right.

First off, I got pregnant via IUI. I know, there are tons of people who get pregnant as easy as sneezing - why do I consider this lucky? Because I've been following the story of many wonderful women on the infertility boards over the past year. There are many who are still there, trying to get pregnant completing round after round after round of treatment. More still spend months and months undergoing treatments and finally become pregnant only to have that bliss stolen from them due to a miscarriage, or worse, multiple miscarriages. These women are hopeful, dedicated, and deserving of experiencing pregnancy and the joy of having a child of their own. They spend countless thousands of dollars chasing the dream of this, only to have cycle after cycle of disappointment and sorrow deeper than I can even imagine. And I am no longer experiencing this - and there is much of it that I never had to experience at all. I am pregnant. I did not miscarry. I am going to have a child. Anything I am going through now pales in comparison with the sorrow that I was feeling or could still be feeling. And there are many who feel it for years and years - some for the rest of their lives.

I am also lucky because I am now 30 weeks pregnant, and my little one is still tucked safely inside of me, growing and healthy. My sister gave birth to her first child at 30 weeks exactly. If my pregnancy had gone the way hers had, I would have been on bedrest for several weeks now, and this morning at around 3:30 in the morning, I would have been informed that I would have to undergo an emergency c-section. But my pregnancy didn't go that way. I am not on bed rest. In fact, I'm feeling better lately than I have for several months. I'm a little tired, but that's understandable based on all of the activity in my life these days. I am healthy, my baby is healthy, and there isn't any indication that my little one will be anything but a full-term healthy baby. I will not be spending the bulk of my maternity leave visiting my child in the NICU. I will almost certainly get to spend that time at home learning all I can about this interesting little creature that I'm currently growing inside of me. I am so lucky.

I am also lucky because my house sold over the weekend for a fair price. No more worrying about that - I will find a new home to move in to or we'll rent a place for awhile. It will be difficult if we have to do that, but so what? It won't be that bad. We've sold our house and our options are wide open. I'm very lucky for that too.

I'm lucky that I have a family who loves me. And I have friends who love me. And everything is going to work out. It may be difficult sometimes, there are hardships to overcome, that is certain, but everything is going to be OK one way or another. And that's pretty damn lucky.

Odds and Ends

2009-12-09T20:59:00.002-05:00

We decorated our Christmas tree today. That wraps up all of our holiday decorating, and our house looks great! This house is really quite beautiful. I'll miss seeing it all decked out for the holidays once we move (no movement on that yet, but I still think it will happen), but am very much ready to say goodbye to it. Now I just have to wrap my gifts, as I finished up my shopping in November.

I've been feeling the baby move every day or two for several weeks now. It's very cool, but also kind of creepy in a way. Feeling another being squirming around inside of you can be very unsettling at times when you think about it.

The one house that we found that we could have seen ourselves living in is going into contract. There are no other houses on the market that we can really see ourselves living in, so it's kind of sad to see that one go. Hopefully when the new year comes there will be a flow of new houses for sale, and we can find one that appeals to us. Since we don't have any offers yet, there's really no rush, but it's a bit unnerving to not have any appealing options.

I hope everyone is doing well and keeping warm! Good night!

I've Been Neglecting My Blog!

2009-11-18T13:11:00.002-05:00

I know, I'm sorry! lol! I should write more! Things have been busy . . . what are the highlights?

Lots of "morning" sickness - hopefully it's going to pass soon!
Fatigue is waning - I've been going to bed closer to 9:00 again lately.
No noticeable belly yet, but that's expected with a first child.

I had an appointment yesterday. They're going to see me every 4 weeks for awhile now for the most part. Even though I'm not technically 14 weeks until tomorrow, they called yesterday my 14 week appointment. The intent was to check my blood pressure, check for protein in my urine (both of those screen for pre-eclampsia, which I'll talk about more in another post), and listen to baby's heartbeat. Well, baby wasn't being very cooperative, and the doctor couldn't get a good read on the heartbeat. She thought she hat it a couple of times, but it was gone again right away without her getting a good listen to make sure it was strong and steady. So, we moved to the ultrasound room! I'd just like to point out that I've already had twice as many ultrasounds now as most women get in their entire pregnancy! In any case, I was able to have an ultrasound on my abdomen - the first one! Yay! And baby was in there doing juuuuust fine! S/he was doing flips and rolling around and just being a squirmy little squirt, which is why the doctor couldn't get a good read on the heartbeat. The doctor said that s/he was looking great - the development was right on for the baby's age. She pointed out the spine to me during one of his/her flips. She also pointed out the ribcage. Then baby lifted his/her had up and it looked like s/he was waving to me! Of course, baby was probably just saying "Quit poking at me!", but I like to think s/he was waving. I also got to see some adorable little fingers with each one (except the thumb) very prominent. It was so neat!

After the appointment, I went back to work. I had to take a potty break a little later, and all of a sudden I was absolutely overwhelmed with the fact that this was real. It's really happening. My life will be completely and absolutely changed forever soon. There will not be any more nights of laying on the couch and playing video games all evening. I'm going to have to stop swearing so much. I'm going to have to prepare nutritious and thought out meals for a family now, rather than just grabbing whatever works for myself. There is going to be another human being that needs me, needs my attention, needs me to teach it things, etc. What have I gotten myself into?!?! I haven't completely calmed down quite yet either. I'm scared to death. But I certainly don't want to not be a mom to a human child. I'm just terrified of it. I hope I have enough patience to raise my child well. I don't want to be impatient or shout with the child like I do with the dogs. I yell at them a lot. I've been trying to be better about it, but they just don't seem to respond to anything else. Will that happen with the child? I really hope not. I don't like being a yeller. Well, I must go now. I promise to write more later. Soon later too, not later later. =)

H1N1 - November 10th, 2009

2009-11-11T13:35:00.002-05:00

I was *finally* able to get my H1N1 vaccine yesterday. I've been trying to get one since they were first released (about a month ago). I'm glad to be protected - there have been several women on my pregnancy boards who have been just laid out with the virus. I can't afford to spend 4 weeks out sick, with one or two of those being in the hospital. No way! So now it's no longer a concern - hooray! That's one less thing to be stressing out about.

I'm Still Alive - November 8th, 2009

2009-11-08T19:59:00.002-05:00

Just a quick note to say that I'm still alive, and all is still well here! I've been sick as can be for the past several weeks, so aside from working and taking care of my home, I've been sleeping pretty much all the rest of the time. I *think* things are starting to get better though, so hopefully I'll have more energy to partake in my hobbies (such as posting here) very soon. I am a now twelve weeks and four days into my pregnancy. According to some medical professionals, I'm in my second trimester now, though there is hardly consensus on when each trimester ends. Others say it ends after 13 or 14 weeks. Personally, it's not that big of a concern for me. =) I'm just happy to still be pregnant and to know that things are progressing. My little munchkin is about the size of my thumb right now. Isn't that cool?! OK, off to bed with me. It's past my bedtime. Yeah, bedtime has been between 7 - 8 PM for awhile now. Pathetic! Ha!

2nd Ultrasound - We have a heartbeat! - October 6th, 2009

2009-10-06T17:59:00.004-04:00

Today we had our second ultrasound. I was so nervous going in, I thought I might just fall over. We were called back to the room right away, but then waited for what seemed like an eternity in the ultrasound room. In reality it was something like 15 minutes, but it felt like hours to us! Luckily the hubby was able to be there with me today. When Dr. RE came in, I was wound so tightly that I was surprised that he was able to do the ultrasound (ewwww). At first, I didn't see anything come up on the monitor. My heart dropped - I was certain that the pregnancy was just gone. Then it came up and I could see the black circle that is the gestational sac, but nothing in it. Then he turned it a little more, and there was my baby, plain as day. He steadied the sensor, and at first I couldn't see the heartbeat. Then it became clear. A little pulsing, throbbing, flickering spot in the middle of the baby. It was amazing to see it. I had watched countless videos on YouTube of other people's 7 - 8 week ultrasounds and the little heartbeats, but this was different. This one was my baby. Then the doctor took a couple of measurements from head to rump. Both measured 7 weeks and 6 days. I am currently 7 weeks and 5 days pregnant, so that was great news! Last time the results showed that the baby was one day behind size-wise, and now it is one day ahead. Yay for making up 2 days worth of growth in 2 weeks! Then the doctor let us hear the heartbeat (which I believe is just an audible representation of the visual image at this stage of the game). It was amazing to hear. A good heartbeat at this point is between 130 and 160 beats per minute (with higher being better). Our little munchkin came in at 150 bpm! So I don't know if this is just a new old wives' tale, but I've heard that a higher heartbeat (>155) is usually a girl, and a lower heartbeat (<145) is usually a boy. So this little booger is right in the middle at 150. No clues on the gender! Ha!

So all is well now. We are being released to Dr. OB, and can now be treated like any other pregnant couple. Wow! So if you'd like, take a look at these videos and see and listen to the heartbeat. We made it to this crucial point - we can tell the world now. We're as safe as we're going to get that this pregnancy isn't going to fail, so there's no reason to keep it a secret any longer. I think I'll probably wait until next week to do the big facebook announcement, just to savor the secret for a few days, but then we'll go public. Thank you all for reading along on this crazy journey. I'll still be posting, but now I can do so a bit less nervously. Now I can enjoy this pregnancy, even the exhaustion that I have and the vomiting that is still to come (only a little so far, it'll probably get worse before it gets better). So thank you, thank you, thank you! Hopefully you'll continue along with me on my new unexpected journey - that of pregnancy and motherhood!

Second Ultrasound is Tomorrow - October 5th, 2009

2009-10-05T16:08:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow I go for my second ultrasound. We're supposed to get to see the baby's heartbeat. If we do, we're really in the clear. Dr. RE will release us back to Dr. OB and we'll no longer be monitored so closely. That's something I'm both looking forward to and frightened of. The good part is that I won't have to come in early, work late, and/or work evenings from home to make up the time that I miss from work. The bad part is that I won't have reassurances that everything is going well on a regular basis. I guess in a couple of months I will start to feel movement, and that will help me feel better about the whole thing. I just need to be patient and trust that all is well. That's hard to do after everything we've been through though.

Meanwhile, I find it very interesting that I've not gained a pound yet, though I have gained over an inch on my waist. Actually, the waist measurement is two weeks old - I wonder if it's more now. The weight is only 2 days old though, but after last night and today, that may change. I had to have a second dinner last night! I was just hanging out and winding down around 9:30, and I just HAD to have some chic'n nuggets (soy-based) with hot sauce and some cheese. I guess I was craving protein! Then today with lunch I just had to have an ice cream cookie! YUM! I'm still regretting it though. That's the first huge dose of sugar I've had in awhile, and it really upset my tummy. Bleh. I guess it's bland food for dinner for me tonight.

Nuh-Uh (Part 2) - September 22, 2009

2009-09-22T16:55:00.003-04:00

The following takes place this morning, approximately 8:45 AM
*ring ring*
"Hello?"
"Hello Pixnlil. This is Nurse M from Dr. RE's office."
"Hi."
"We have the results of your lab work in."
*thinking: sure, lay it one me, I just hope this is over soon* "Yes?"
"Your hCG was 3335."
*pause*
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Your hCG was 3335."
"Nuh-uh. Really?!"
"Yes, really."
"Really?!"
*slightly irritated* "Yes, really. There's a problem. With numbers that stall out and then jump like that - your recent doubling rate is quicker than 2 days - there is a good chance that it is an ectopic pregnancy. You need to come in right away for an ultrasound to make sure it's not tubal."
"Really? That's . . . I mean . . . I was expecting you to say 200 or something!"
"Please don't get so excited yet. We need you to come in today for an ultrasound to make sure it's in the right place."
*we proceed to work out a time a few hours later after my meetings were over*

What the doctor found was a lovely little fetus, right in the uterus (where it should be). He saw the yolk sac as well as the gestational sac, and they measured at five and a half weeks - precisely how far along I am! So the pregnancy is not tubal - it's just right. And it's not small - it's just right.

I am in so much shock right now, I cannot even adequately describe it. I was supposed to be miscarrying any day now!!!!! But I won't be. In fact, everything looked so right, that I don't need to have any more blood drawn. I go back in two weeks and Dr RE expects to see a fetal pole and a heartbeat. Right now we are 70 - 80% certain that I won't miscarry. Once they see the heartbeat, that will jump to about 95% certainty. From being 99% certain that I would miscarry. Wow.

Waiting to Miscarry Sucks - September 21, 2009

2009-09-21T09:25:00.002-04:00

Last night I had some pretty intense cramping, but it only lasted about 20 minutes. I thought for sure that the miscarriage was starting, but there wasn't any blood. So as of this morning, I am still just waiting to begin miscarrying. I go into the lab shortly to have my blood drawn again to see where the levels are now. Hopefully they fall fast so that we can get this over with and start looking forward again. This just sucks. I hope the pain isn't too bad. I've heard mixed reports about the amount of pain, but consistently I've heard that the amount of blood is just unbelievable. I also discovered that 1 in 4 of all pregnancies - not just those of infertile couples - results in miscarriage. That's a startlingly high number. It has never impacted my family or any of my friends that have had babies, so it seems so odd to me that the number is so high. My heart goes out to all of those women who have been through this, and all of those who will go through it in the future. It just plain sucks.

A Different Kind of Waiting - September 18th, 2009

2009-09-18T09:44:00.002-04:00

I'm on to a new kind of waiting. A very unpleasant kind. I am now waiting for my baby to detach from my uterus and pass from my body. My level barely rose - only 10% in 3 days to about 670. The thought is that it probably topped out a few days ago and is now starting to decline. I will go back on Monday to confirm that. One more needle stick to go with all of the holes and bruises on my arm, since only one vein shows itself anymore. I honestly never dreamed that this would happen to me. I thought that once my husband's swimmers were successful at reaching and penetrating my egg, we'd be home free. That is not the case it would seem. There isn't any reason that they can give me for why this is happening. It just happens. Why does all the bad stuff "just happen" to me? I feel so beat up right now. One week ago I had to take the day off of work because I was so elated that I couldn't focus. Today I am so far from elated, that I barely even remember the meaning of the word. Why me? I know, a stupid, pointless question that really doesn't have an answer. But still, why me?

Waiting - September 18th, 2009

2009-09-18T07:31:00.002-04:00

I am waiting to get my results back from my last beta test. I've been dealing with the wait fairly well up until this morning. Now I'm a bit of a wreck. I couldn't sleep very well, so I've been up since 3:30 this morning, with a brief 30 minute nap after that. My husband is off to Japan on a business trip, which thankfully will only be for two weeks instead of the original four. I hope I get my results back in time to call him with the good news before his flight takes off. I'm starving, nauseous, and exhausted, yet I can't eat or sleep. Fun. I just hope they call around 7:45 like they did the first time I was waiting for results rather than waiting until nearly 9:00 like the second time. I just might call them if I don't hear anything by 8:00. I hate to be pushy, but I really need to know so that I can eat some breakfast!! I really could use some peace of mind about now.

Thoughts - September 17th, 2009

2009-09-17T10:46:00.004-04:00

Just a few things to mention. Today is my 4th anniversary. Happy anniversary hubby - I love you and I hope that we get good news tomorrow that our family is going to grow for sure.

Next, I'm feeling hopeful today. Why? Because I threw up this morning! Yay! Hooray! Huzzah! I know, it's such a strange feeling to take vomiting as a positive sign, but for me right now it really is. It wasn't much - I am normally a marathon vomiter. I know, TMI right? But honestly, I never throw up just once. So this morning it was just once, and just a little, and all water, but still! I threw up - yay!

Last point that I wanted to make is that I apparently cannot count. The amount of time lapsed between Monday's blood draw and today's blood draw is 3 days, not 4. So, the count that we're looking for when I get the results of my third beta back tomorrow is 1836 (which was the minimum number in four days from before). The minimum number that I can accept and still be hopeful that this is a viable pregnancy is around 1250. As long as the number is over 1000, we will be scheduling the first ultrasound for next week. We'll be looking to make sure that the gestational sac is attached to the uterus and not somewhere else, to make sure there is a good yolk sac, and that there is a gestational pole (aka my baby!). If thing have really improved, or we wait until very late next week for the ultrasound, we just might see a heartbeat. It would still be early to detect it, but it is certainly a possibility. So everyone keep your fingers crossed for me, or toss a coin in a fountain, or stand on your head, or whatever lucky superstitious thing you do. I'll keep you all posted!

2nd Beta Results - September 15th, 2009

2009-09-15T10:23:00.002-04:00

The results of my second beta test came back this morning. The results were not good. I was at 233 before, and the doctor would have liked to see my numbers at least over 700, preferably at 800 - 1000. So coming in at 612 was not good. They want me to do another retest on Thursday. At that time, they'd like to see a minimum of 1836, and preferably closer to 2400 to feel confidant that the pregnancy will continue. As long as the results come back over 1000, they will schedule an ultrasound to take a look and see if they can find out what is going on in there. I'm so afraid right now. We beat the odds by getting pregnant, but that doesn't mean it's OK to lose it. I'm so scared.

Thoughts -September 14th, 2009

2009-09-14T12:42:00.002-04:00

Ugh, so the seed of worry grew quite a bit overnight. I could hardly sleep - I laid in bed awake listening to my husband snore for most of the night, thinking about all of the worst case scenarios. I finally fell asleep a little after 1:00, but then woke up at 3:00 and didn't fall back to sleep until nearly 4:00, then again at 5:00 until nearly 6:00. So I am exhausted today, but that has no relationship to whether I am still pregnant or not. That simply has to do with a lack of sleep. I can hardly eat today too. The quesadilla that I just got from the cafeteria is sitting like a rock in my stomach, and I couldn't even finish it. I wish it was tomorrow morning already - then I could at least know one way or the other. I really need to know so that I can stop worrying. Well, OK, worry less.

Thoughts - September 13th, 2009

2009-09-13T14:23:00.002-04:00

Hmmm . . . I feel less sick today than I did last week. I have more energy than my husband - he sleeps nearly twice as much as I do normally, and that has continued into my pregnancy. I'm supposed to be sick and exhausted, but I'm not. It worries me a bit, because it's supposed to be the high levels of hCG that make you sick and tired during pregnancy, so if I'm not sick and tired, does that mean my levels of hCG aren't as high as they should be? Luckily I get to have a second beta test done tomorrow. They will draw my blood tomorrow and I will get the results back on Tuesday morning. I'm really looking forward to it. Hopefully the numbers are going up, up, up and I can stop worrying about it.

First Beta Results - 9/11/2009

2009-09-11T08:28:00.002-04:00

My blood was drawn yesterday to check my beta levels. This test checks the amount of hCG you have in your system. hCH is the pregnancy hormone, FYI. At 4 weeks (like I am now) anything over a 5 indicates a pregnancy. A low result (less than 50) is something that you should consider worrying about, since it can indicate a weak pregnancy that might not be viable. Anything higher than that is great! The real check comes though, when you have a second test to compare it to. The level should double every 48 - 72 hours. My first beta was Thursday 9/10, and the result came back this morning at 233! That's indicative of a good strong singleton pregnancy! Yay! That's my first hint that I probably just have one baby in there. Usually, if you have multiples, the level is significantly higher (probably 300 - 400+ on a first beta). Of course, it's not completely ruled out until they do the first ultrasound, which for me will be in 2 or 3 weeks. I guess I can ask them about it on Tuesday when I get the second beta results back.

I'm so excited now. I can barely believe that this is happening, but it's starting to sink in. I couldn't even focus or pay attention today, so I had to take the day off work. I guess I'm saving 5 vacation days this year that I would have been taking for the IVF, so I have to use them or loose them! More to come later, I need to go get some food!

Still in Disbelief - September 10th, 2009

2009-09-10T20:27:00.002-04:00

I'm still in shock. I cannot believe that this has happened. I had to take a third test tonight, just because. I know, I'm silly! I had my blood draw today for my first hCG beta level. I should hear the results tomorrow. I hate waiting! =) I'll get a second beta test on Monday to make sure my levels are doubling successfully. They should double every 48 - 72 hours, so here's hoping! Then, about 2 to 3 weeks from today, I will go in for my first ultrasound of the gestational sac. The intent there is to make sure it's in the right place (the uterus and not a fallopian tube) and to make sure it's not an empty sac. In other words, to make sure it's a viable pregnancy. I feel very confident that it will be a viable pregnancy. Our challenge was getting to this point. Now I'm going to go and enjoy my pregnancy. Yep, every bit of it. Even when I'm vomiting my brains out, I'm going to be happy as a clam. Or so the saying goes. I wonder if clams can feel happiness. Hmmm . . .

I'm All About Confirmation

2009-09-09T19:31:00.002-04:00

So there's this! =)

Nuh-Uh

2009-09-09T18:16:00.003-04:00

I don't believe it. Nuh-uh.

Blood Draw Numbers - September 4th, 2009

2009-09-08T09:10:00.004-04:00

I received a call from my RE's nurse on Friday morning. She had some interesting information for me. First, my Progesterone level went through the roof! It had been approximately 9 and 11 before (I'm not sure what units these are, sorry!). This time it was 28.6! Now, this caused me to get my hope up. I shouldn't let it, because a high progesterone level is not a guarantee of pregnancy - it can simply indicate a strong ovulation. However, when a woman is pregnant, her progesterone level shoots up to provide the embryo with nutrients. The general rule is that the numbers double from what is normal for the woman in the first trimester, normally putting the level between 15 and 90. So this result really excited me, as it was 2 - 3 times what I've had before!

The other test that was done was a check of my Thyroid level. I have hypothyroid syndrome, meaning that my thyroid isn't active enough, so I take medicine to regulate it and keep it functioning normally. Ideally the thyroid level should be around a 3 or 4 (again, I don't know what units these numbers are in), but as high as a 5 is acceptable. In any case, my result came back at an 8.51 this time. Waaaaay up! Not good. So my RE's nurse told me to call my family doctor right away (the one who prescribes my thyroid regulation medicine) and get my prescription changed. The problem here is that a hypo active thyroid can cause miscarriage in pregnancy, so if I ever manage to become pregnant, I could miscarry if this isn't fixed. I called my doctor right away, since there is a possibility that I'm pregnant now (however slim) and proceeded to play phone tag with them on Friday, resulting in no information. I decided to just double my medication at home until I heard otherwise. I get my prescription in a 90-day supply, so I have enough medicine to take two pills a day until I am able to talk to my family doctor. As of today (Tuesday), I'm still playing phone tag with the nurses. Fun.

So, mixed news. Some good, some bad, but nothing spectacularly so. The real downer is that yesterday (Monday Sept 7th), I started to get pre-period cramps. I went from being very hopeful to about 99% certain that I'm not pregnant in the span of about 10 minutes. Meh. I guess I'll be on to IVF-ICSI after all. I'm really not looking forward to it. And I'm getting very bitter about the whole thing. I just can't seem to be positive about things right now, so I'll stop talking before I get myself in trouble. Goodnight folks.

Thoughts - August 28th, 2009

2009-08-28T15:59:00.001-04:00

If this cycle was successful, I would now have a two-celled zygote floating around inside of me, working its way down the fallopian tube.

Thoughts - August 27th, 2009

2009-08-27T14:53:00.002-04:00

I was just thinking that if this cycle works, the little swimmer would most likely have already penetrated the egg, as the window of opportunity is timed so precisely that it's within 4 hours of the IUI. I might have a zygote floating in my fallopian tubes right at this very minute. Then again, I might not. I prefer to think about the might part today though.

IUI #3 - August 27th, 2009

2009-08-27T12:13:00.002-04:00

This morning I had my third IUI. This was the first time that I've had one without my hubby there with me, as the other two have been on Saturdays. I was nervous to go it alone. I'm wondering if my RE is just a figment of my imagination, as Dr. Shortstick did the IUI again (that's all three times that she's actually done it for me). In any case, here's the cool part:

- Count was 18 Million!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Our highest count so far was 9 million, and the highest on an IUI was 8. Yippee! That is so super high for us (still very low, but hey, for us it was awesome)!

- Motility was 22%, which ties with our highest so far on a semen analysis, and again the highest percentage for an IUI for us yet (also still low compared to what it should be, but really good for us)!

That means that we have a much higher percentage chance this time than the last two times. It's more on par with a couple that normally does an IUI, which isn't great at 8 - 12 % or so, but still! I'll take 8 - 12% over the 1% we've had in previous cycles!

I'm cramping horribly, and have to make it through the work day, but at least I have this hope to hang on to. 8% seems like such a high figure to me right now compared to where we've been, but I know that it means that there is a 92% chance it won't work, so I'm trying to keep my excitement in check. It's just the first good news we've had in such a long time, it's hard not to get excited.

Bedtime Thoughts - August 26th, 2009

2009-08-26T21:55:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow morning is our last IUI. We will not be doing another one if this one fails. This is our last shot at a less invasive (ha - yeah, because it's been sooooo non-invasive so far) procedure. We have 2 big follicles. It only takes one.

IUI #3 Ultrasound - August 25, 2009

2009-08-25T08:24:00.001-04:00

Today is my ultrasound to see how many follicles I have, how big they are, and the thickness of my uterine lining. Wish me luck, and I'll post the results here tonight! I also have a dentist appointment right after. Bleh. =)

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Update - I have just 2 follicles this time. I guess it's better than 1, but still not the 3 or 4 that will maximize our chances for success. On the bright side, they were very large - 22 & 26mm. And the uterine lining was good at 10.1mm. So we trigger tonight and go for the IUI on Thursday morning. This will be the first time that the IUI didn't fall on a weekend, so I'll have to go into work instead of laying around on the couch this time. I wonder if that will make it easier or more difficult. Hmmm.

Not Quitting My Day Job - August 21, 2009

2009-08-21T20:48:00.003-04:00

OK, so I'm a really, really bad farmer. This thing was growing in my garden right where I had planted a couple of things side by side, and it was big and round and green. It had some stripes too. It grew and grew over the course of about a month. Then the stripes started turning orange, and I read on the internet that stripes of the sugar bush baby watermelons (the kind I had planted) would lighten when they were getting ripe. So, two days ago I cut it off the vine to stop it from becoming overly ripe. The orange stripes spread and spread in the two days it has been in my kitchen. "Oh no! We have to hurry up and eat it soon!" I said. "I really want to have some watermelon before it goes bad!" So tonight for dessert, we sliced into the watermelon. Yeah, the pictures tell it all. Again, I'm a really bad farmer. I won't be quitting my day job anytime soon.
In case you can't tell - that's an underripe pumpkin. Not good for much. =\ I'm going to try and roast the seeds, but I don't know how they'll taste being so young. Also, see my nifty monster?! That's from G.Silva! She rocks! We had mentioned that we were doing our nursery in a cute monster theme, and she saw this and thought of us! Isn't she awesome? Thanks again, G.Silva!

Decision Time: On to IUI #3 - August 13th, 2009

2009-08-18T18:24:00.005-04:00

So today is cycle day 6 (CD6). We decided last week that we are going to do a third round of IUI, since we can fit that in before my hubby leaves for Japan. Since last month only had one dominant follicle (the same as I would have on a non-medicated cycle), my doctor upped my dosage of Clomid. I'm now on 100 mg of Clomid. So far the side effects have not been worse than in previous months, but they're definitely still there. I was very worried that they would be more severe this month, so it's been a relief that they haven't been. Next Tuesday I'll go for the ultrasound to see how many follicles I have and what size they are, and then we'll do the trigger shot sometime next week. If I had to guess, we'll be doing the trigger shot on Wednesday night and the IUI on Friday morning.

I'm not optimistic that this cycle will be successful. Many people have told me not to think negative thoughts. I just don't feel that it's realistic to think that this will happen for us, against all odds. It's not that I'm being negative - I'm simply being practical. We have a real medical reason for our inability to become pregnant, and wishful thinking will not change that. There is a chance, however slight, that this will indeed work for us. And I hope it does, but I try very hard not to let hope override practical thinking, because that only results in a bigger drop in mood when it doesn't work out. In all probability, we will be moving on to IVF-ICSI very soon. In fact, in just about 3 weeks I will very likely be getting started.

That awareness scares the hell out of me. IVF is it. That's the big enchilada. That is our very best chance to have a child with our genetic makeup. And we're almost there. I don't like coming to the end of the road. I'm not ready to give up on my desire to experience pregnancy. Not yet. I've realized that, for me at this point in time, I want to experience pregnancy nearly as much as I want to be a mom for a human (I'm a mom to lots of furry & feathered kids already). Does that make me a bad person? I have several friends who have either already adopted, are in the process of adopting, or are planning to adopt in the future. I respect them so very much for the decisions that they have made, and their desire to help a child in need. I think it is so wonderful that they are enjoying/will be enjoying the joys (and woes) of parenthood with their children, whom they love so much. So it makes me feel a little guilty that I still cannot see myself adopting a child of my own. Not yet. Does this make me less of a good person? I honestly don't know. It might. It might not. All I know is that I want to experience a successful pregnancy that results in a child. It seems so strange to me that this is too much to ask for, and yet apparently it is. How odd that I am here, in this situation. How very, very strange it feels.

IUI Cycle #2:Failure - August 13, 2009

2009-08-13T17:50:00.002-04:00

My next cycle began today with the start of my period. I knew a few days ago that my body was preparing for it to start, so I'd already begun to grieve. I've realized that some words that I read in an article or book somewhere along the way were very true. At some point along the infertility journey, it ceases to be just a disappointment when a cycle turns out to be negative. It becomes more than disappointment. You begin to grieve the loss of each cycle. Each negative cycle is one more month of your life spent without your children. It is one less month that you will get to enjoy your children as adults, and your grandchildren when you are old. It is not just one month spent doing other things - it is truly a month lost. So I'm going to finish grieving for this loss, and try to look forward to the next cycle, where I just might have a chance to bring those children into existence.

IVF Counseling Appointment Scheduling - August 5, 2009

2009-08-06T19:21:00.003-04:00

Part of the IVF process mandates a counseling appointment due to all of the stresses of the process. We were given a name and phone number of a counselor that is not employed by Ohio Reproductive Medicine (ORM), but who comes out there two days a week to hold appointments. In any case, for some reason, I thought that the appointments were in the evenings. I suppose that I thought that because the clinic holds appointment hours until 7 PM nightly. They're used to working around their client's needs. So when I was offered appointment times of 9:30 AM or 2:00 PM, I was pretty surprised. I wasn't planning on it being a daytime appointment at all! So that left my husband and I with the choice of missing work or missing work. Hmmm, that's a great stress reliever! Glad we have this mandatory session that we have to attend during work hours that is not near either of our places of work. What a relief! For a second I thought that stress relief would be convenient!

_____________________________________________
Update - The counselor called another client who had a more flexible schedule and moved her appointment to 2:00, so we are now scheduled for 3:15. It's still not perfect, but my husband can flex his schedule an hour earlier without too much trouble and still make it out for this appointment time. I, of course, will still have to miss some work, but my job allows for a bit more flexibility. So all's well that ends well. Or something.

Strange Cramping - August 5th, 2009

2009-08-05T20:02:00.003-04:00

I had some intense cramping earlier today, localized on the left side. I need to do some research and see if that might be good sign. I've already ovulated, so it's not that. And it's much too early to be pre-period cramps. I suppose it could be a cyst. That would not be good.

IUI #2: A Little Hope (but not much) - August 1st, 2009

2009-08-01T10:38:00.003-04:00

My second IUI was this morning. With the follicle debacle (heh) on Thursday, I wasn't feeling so hot going into today. Hubby and I had determined that if his sperm counts were over 10 million (they haven't been yet, but we were hopeful), we'd allow ourselves to feel a bit hopeful. The results came back at 8 million pre-wash, and just 1.8 million after the wash. Between that and the lack of known follicles this month, I feel so sad. We're on the fence about whether to do another round of treatments next month or not. We'll have time to do it before he goes to Japan in September, but I'm not sure it's worth it. It feels good to know that we're trying something, but it's costing money and not giving us too much of a chance. But some is better than none, right? Maybe? I dunno.

I've heard lots of suggestions to "Take a month off and relax." Those people don't know me very well. I think I'm at my worst when I'm supposed to just wait for something to happen. I need to be working hard to make it happen or I feel like it won't happen.

Anyway, I'm feeling awfully crampy again. There isn't any blood this time (so far at least), so I guess that's good. So now we wait. Two weeks. Hmm . . .
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Edit - OK, now there's some bleeding. Meh.

Follicle Disappointment - July 30, 2009

2009-07-30T16:21:00.002-04:00

Today was my pre-IUI ultrasound to see if this cycle is a go or a no-go. It dawned on me today (thanks to a friend's questions) that when I mention these ultrasounds that I'm going through, people tend to think of spreading goo on top of your belly and rubbing a device around on it. Sadly, this is wrong. Think an uncomfortable wand and where it would go to look at ovaries. There you go. Fun.

Today I saw Dr. Shortstick again, as Dr. RE is away on vacation. Lucky man! Unfortunately, due to a lack of vacation time remaining, my hubby was unable to attend this appointment with me. Many women go to these types of appointments alone all the time. I prefer having my hubby with me, but you deal with the situation as best you can, and today that meant going it alone.

So last month I had three nice mature follicles, which is just the right number (3 - 4 is ideal) for getting pregnant. This month, I have only one. Well, we think I have only one. My left ovary has given me problems before (it hid during the HSG causing all of that fun, and it was hard to find during my last ultrasound, causing cramping from a procedure that really shouldn't), and this month decided to be even more difficult than in the past.

Dr. Shortstick couldn't find my left ovary at all today. When she asked "Do you have a left ovary?" I felt a twinge of panic. "Oh no," I thought, "Did it fall out or dissolve in the past month? Oh lord, are we getting further from success instead of closer?!" I shit you not - intelligent, well-educated people do have these irrational fits of panic where the most ridiculous things seem plausible, even if only for a moment. Once I fought down that wave of panic, I responded that it has been difficult to find in the past as well. She continued to dig around for another minute causing horrible cramping - I mean really, imagine a long wand shoved up inside of you into tight quarters being twisted and turned in all directions looking for something elusive. Can you imagine a time when this wouldn't cause significant cramping?! I thought not. In any case, Dr. Shortstick decided to give up. It just wasn't worth it, as we were going to move forward with the IUI anyway, since I had one mature follicle on the right side (22mm for those keeping score at home) and a good thickness to my endometrial lining (10mm).

I'm pretty disappointed to have only one mature follicle. I mean, I ovulate normally, producing one follicle each month without any medications. For as crappy as the Clomid makes me feel, I really feel that I deserve to have multiple follicles. I suffered the nasty side effects, I deserve the reward for it! *sigh* It's too bad that life doesn't really work that way. With our already low chance for success from this treatment, we need all the breaks we can get. At least with the multiple follicles last month I felt like there was something working in our favor. This month, not so much. It's hard to feel positive right now. I just want to move on toIVF. Actually, I just want to spontaneously pop up pregnant so that I don't have to go through IVF or wait any longer.

Tonight I get the trigger shot. Last month my butt was sore for several days from the injection. I'm going to make my hubby massage the injection side this time, as I've heard that it can help it to not be so sore afterwards. Yep, hubby's going to rub my butt. Heehee. Well, wish me luck. Tonight I get a shot and the IUI is set for Saturday morning, bright and early (7:30 AM).

Confidants and Intrigue Series: Confidant #2 - June 2008

2009-07-27T21:41:00.004-04:00

Confidant #2 came about in a rather interesting way. I had my first confidant and was really, really planning to stick to not telling another person until we turned up pregnant. I knew my hubby didn't want a lot of people knowing, so I was trying to respect that. We were still on our first cycle at the time, so it hadn't even been that long yet!

Every year we go to several gaming conventions. For those of you who don't know what I mean by that, think massive amounts of geeks getting together to play all kinds of games. I prefer role playing games (RPGs) most of the time, with a few others mixed in for variety. These conventions are all over the place, but we usually stick to the ones that we can drive to in a few hours. We've developed many friends over the years, and some who have become very close friends.

So last June while at one of these conventions, we were sitting at a table in the food court at one of the convention centers having some lunch, when one of our friends mentioned that they were adopting a child from China. I looked up at her with all sorts of thoughts and questions rampaging through my mind and, trying to act nonchalant, I think I stammered out something lame like, "Oh yeah? That's interesting." Nice. Way to show your support.

She wasn't even phased. Between her and her hubby, I found out that they were torn between looking for a boy and a girl, and that they really just wanted a child, however it worked out. Special needs would be great, because she and her hubby have the ability, patience, and love to care for and help a child in need. I also found out that the adoption process is a long process, with lots of ups and downs, tons of paperwork, and more waiting and uncertainty than you can shake a stick at (I really have no idea how much uncertainty or waiting you can shake a stick at, but this process has more).

After hearing all of this, I just looked at my hubby, and although his look said "keep your mouth shut woman!", I ran off with my friend to spill the beans to her anyway. We went to the bathroom, and on the way back I stopped her and the words just gushed out of my mouth, "We're trying to get pregnant and I think I might be now because I'm sure it won't take long for us and I'm really excited and nobody knows yet and I just feel so close to you because of what you just told me about and are you adopting because you've tried everything else and it didn't work or is this something you've always wanted to do and it feels to good to talk to someone else about it and oh man my hubby's going to kill me and you have to keep this a secret, OK?!" *huge gulp of air*

I can't remember much else about the conversation after that, but I do remember feeling all warm and fuzzy, and that I was really glad that I had confided in Confidant #2. Although we're on opposite ends of the spectrum today - she has no desire to do what I'm doing now, and although I do keep the option of adoption open as a possibility in the future, it is not the right choice for me at this time in my life but is the perfect option for her - we have such a similar desire to love, cherish, raise, nourish, and teach a young person that we do not yet have to hold, that I cannot help but feel a kinship to her as we each take our steps toward bringing that additional person into our family.

Confidant #2 has been there for me as I went from my first cycle (where I just knew I was pregnant!) through all of the rough times of uncertainty, and is still there for me now as I work through all of these medical treatments (which are truly not her favorite thing) in hopes of having a child. And I know that if these treatments do not work and I need help navigating the world of adoption, she will be right there with me then too, guiding me when I need it and helping me stay steady when the weight of it all might bring me to my knees. Thank you Confidant #2 for listening to me babble on ad nauseum about things that I know squick you out! Thank you Confidant #2 for being a friend.

Still Waiting - July 25, 2009

2009-07-25T19:56:00.002-04:00

I go for my ultrasound next Thursday to see how many follicles have grown. I'm done taking the Clomid for this cycle (thankfully - that stuff sucks). So for now, we're just still waiting.

Just the Blues : July 22, 2009

2009-07-22T20:20:00.002-04:00

I guess I just have the blues these days. I've started creating more posts about various confidants, but I just haven't had the energy to do the stories justice. So, here, have an informational update instead. =)

We have to wait awhile to move on to IVF-ICSI. It kind of stinks, because we've decided that we want to go there ASAP. Unfortunately, it's a very long process, and we won't be able to start until September or October because the hubby will be in Japan on a business trip at a very bad time for our IVF to work out. Meh. So we've decided to do another round of the IUI this cycle. I'm on my third day of the Clomid today. I'm having all of the same side effects as last cycle, but nowhere near as intense. I go on the 30th for my ultrasound to see how many follicles are maturing. I hope that I have 3 again, along with a nice thick lining for embryo nourishment. Not that I really think I'll have any embryos to nourish, I just like the idea that everything is functioning at a healthy level in there, just in case. The Clomid is known to thin out the lining though, and my period this month was very light for me, so I'm actually a bit worried about it. Only time will tell.