Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I've Been Neglecting My Blog!

I know, I'm sorry! lol! I should write more! Things have been busy . . . what are the highlights?
  • Lots of "morning" sickness - hopefully it's going to pass soon!
  • Fatigue is waning - I've been going to bed closer to 9:00 again lately.
  • No noticeable belly yet, but that's expected with a first child.
I had an appointment yesterday. They're going to see me every 4 weeks for awhile now for the most part. Even though I'm not technically 14 weeks until tomorrow, they called yesterday my 14 week appointment. The intent was to check my blood pressure, check for protein in my urine (both of those screen for pre-eclampsia, which I'll talk about more in another post), and listen to baby's heartbeat. Well, baby wasn't being very cooperative, and the doctor couldn't get a good read on the heartbeat. She thought she hat it a couple of times, but it was gone again right away without her getting a good listen to make sure it was strong and steady. So, we moved to the ultrasound room! I'd just like to point out that I've already had twice as many ultrasounds now as most women get in their entire pregnancy! In any case, I was able to have an ultrasound on my abdomen - the first one! Yay! And baby was in there doing juuuuust fine! S/he was doing flips and rolling around and just being a squirmy little squirt, which is why the doctor couldn't get a good read on the heartbeat. The doctor said that s/he was looking great - the development was right on for the baby's age. She pointed out the spine to me during one of his/her flips. She also pointed out the ribcage. Then baby lifted his/her had up and it looked like s/he was waving to me! Of course, baby was probably just saying "Quit poking at me!", but I like to think s/he was waving. I also got to see some adorable little fingers with each one (except the thumb) very prominent. It was so neat!

After the appointment, I went back to work. I had to take a potty break a little later, and all of a sudden I was absolutely overwhelmed with the fact that this was real. It's really happening. My life will be completely and absolutely changed forever soon. There will not be any more nights of laying on the couch and playing video games all evening. I'm going to have to stop swearing so much. I'm going to have to prepare nutritious and thought out meals for a family now, rather than just grabbing whatever works for myself. There is going to be another human being that needs me, needs my attention, needs me to teach it things, etc. What have I gotten myself into?!?! I haven't completely calmed down quite yet either. I'm scared to death. But I certainly don't want to not be a mom to a human child. I'm just terrified of it. I hope I have enough patience to raise my child well. I don't want to be impatient or shout with the child like I do with the dogs. I yell at them a lot. I've been trying to be better about it, but they just don't seem to respond to anything else. Will that happen with the child? I really hope not. I don't like being a yeller. Well, I must go now. I promise to write more later. Soon later too, not later later. =)


AwesomeCloud and family said...

Wow, you're making a person. A whole person with feelings and talents and bad habits and ambitions is growing inside your girly bits. It does seem kinda miracle-like when you really think about it, huh?

I've found that yelling happens. I'm not much of a yeller, but I occasionally yell at the kiddo. Which is silly - his English is so bad that my tone of voice is the ONLY thing he can understand. But 'tis life, I guess. Maybe I'll get myself to stop doing it so much if I apply some self-control.

pixnlil said...

Yeah, so far, no improvement here. I'm in a really bad mood this evening (something to do with puking my head of a couple of hours ago, being tired, coming home and finding a huge pile of dishes to do including several that I swear my husband intentionally dirtied especially heavily that require vigorous scrubbing, finding that he didn't take out a full trashbag of trash last night and the garbage was picked up today, going to the grocery store to get 4 things and having to get 20 more that he wanted so it took 5 times longer (including meat - meaning I had to look through the f***ing meat area and almost puked again!), getting cut off in traffic, having no room in the damn fridge because it's packed with all sorts of out of date food and pizza boxes that apparenlty only I am capable of determining need to be discarded) and I come home and find that the damn dog Sophia has taken a huge dump in her crate! And so, despite my desire to stop yelling so much, I yelled my head off and held her nose near the poop. Then she screamed bloody murder while I had the nerve to pick her up and put her outside (she screams at everything that startles her or she doesn't like, but it still pisses me off). So she's now sitting outside, in the rain, hunkered down under a lawn chair, refusing to come inside because I yelled at her. And I really don't care. She can stay there all night for all I care. Wow, sorry, that really ended up being a long rant. I apparently needed to rant.

AwesomeCloud and family said...

Argh, I can't believe my longlonglong comment didn't post. Here's the short version:

Daddyhood seems to bring out the incompetent fool in many guys. I think it's because they're so afraid to screw it up that they panic, withdraw, and become less able to function properly and figure out simple household matters. Your husband may need some extra coaxing, but be careful you don't scare him more. I know this is not a burden you wish to be burdened with right now. But you're not the only one who has found herself acting like mommy to two family members at once.

It doesn't end when the baby is born. For instance:

Him: "I changed the baby at 6 PM and put him to bed at 8 PM."

Me: "Did you check his diaper one last time before bed?"

Him: "Uh, er, well, it felt like I had just changed it."

I find that frustration works poorly with my husband. So instead I calmly use superior logic.

Me: "A baby can soil a diaper in two seconds. I hate to put him to bed with a wet diaper, because then he's stuck in it for the next 10 hours."

Him: "Sigh... I know."

Someday he'll do things my way, now that he knows what my way is. The biggest fight we've had recently was over him putting the mattress cover on the crib mattress. "There's two sides! Which one goes down?"

"Figure it out!" I shouted back. "If I go over there to figure it out for you, I'll be doing exactly the same thing you have to do - looking at it and applying common sense!"

He relies too much on following my instructions, when he even does that. Our guys somehow need to be convinced that they still have the problem-solving skills they used to have. Empower them, don't intimidate them.

Which is really hard when they're acting like babies themselves, but it must be done!

I know someone on the internet who divorced her husband over this issue after their baby was born. That was pretty extreme, I think. But she seems happy with her decision.

Also, I want to warn you about something worse than yelling. Every so often, it will occur to you that a good swift blow to the head will knock some sense into your screaming baby. The thought will horrify you. Hang in there; such thoughts are normal. Don't drown yourself in guilt over them. Learn how to forgive yourself very quickly.