I'm Still Alive - November 8th, 2009

Just a quick note to say that I'm still alive, and all is still well here! I've been sick as can be for the past several weeks, so aside from working and taking care of my home, I've been sleeping pretty much all the rest of the time. I *think* things are starting to get better though, so hopefully I'll have more energy to partake in my hobbies (such as posting here) very soon. I am a now twelve weeks and four days into my pregnancy. According to some medical professionals, I'm in my second trimester now, though there is hardly consensus on when each trimester ends. Others say it ends after 13 or 14 weeks. Personally, it's not that big of a concern for me. =) I'm just happy to still be pregnant and to know that things are progressing. My little munchkin is about the size of my thumb right now. Isn't that cool?! OK, off to bed with me. It's past my bedtime. Yeah, bedtime has been between 7 - 8 PM for awhile now. Pathetic! Ha!

2nd Ultrasound - We have a heartbeat! - October 6th, 2009

Today we had our second ultrasound. I was so nervous going in, I thought I might just fall over. We were called back to the room right away, but then waited for what seemed like an eternity in the ultrasound room. In reality it was something like 15 minutes, but it felt like hours to us! Luckily the hubby was able to be there with me today. When Dr. RE came in, I was wound so tightly that I was surprised that he was able to do the ultrasound (ewwww). At first, I didn't see anything come up on the monitor. My heart dropped - I was certain that the pregnancy was just gone. Then it came up and I could see the black circle that is the gestational sac, but nothing in it. Then he turned it a little more, and there was my baby, plain as day. He steadied the sensor, and at first I couldn't see the heartbeat. Then it became clear. A little pulsing, throbbing, flickering spot in the middle of the baby. It was amazing to see it. I had watched countless videos on YouTube of other people's 7 - 8 week ultrasounds and the little heartbeats, but this was different. This one was my baby. Then the doctor took a couple of measurements from head to rump. Both measured 7 weeks and 6 days. I am currently 7 weeks and 5 days pregnant, so that was great news! Last time the results showed that the baby was one day behind size-wise, and now it is one day ahead. Yay for making up 2 days worth of growth in 2 weeks! Then the doctor let us hear the heartbeat (which I believe is just an audible representation of the visual image at this stage of the game). It was amazing to hear. A good heartbeat at this point is between 130 and 160 beats per minute (with higher being better). Our little munchkin came in at 150 bpm! So I don't know if this is just a new old wives' tale, but I've heard that a higher heartbeat (>155) is usually a girl, and a lower heartbeat (<145) is usually a boy. So this little booger is right in the middle at 150. No clues on the gender! Ha!

So all is well now. We are being released to Dr. OB, and can now be treated like any other pregnant couple. Wow! So if you'd like, take a look at these videos and see and listen to the heartbeat. We made it to this crucial point - we can tell the world now. We're as safe as we're going to get that this pregnancy isn't going to fail, so there's no reason to keep it a secret any longer. I think I'll probably wait until next week to do the big facebook announcement, just to savor the secret for a few days, but then we'll go public. Thank you all for reading along on this crazy journey. I'll still be posting, but now I can do so a bit less nervously. Now I can enjoy this pregnancy, even the exhaustion that I have and the vomiting that is still to come (only a little so far, it'll probably get worse before it gets better). So thank you, thank you, thank you! Hopefully you'll continue along with me on my new unexpected journey - that of pregnancy and motherhood!

Second Ultrasound is Tomorrow - October 5th, 2009

Tomorrow I go for my second ultrasound. We're supposed to get to see the baby's heartbeat. If we do, we're really in the clear. Dr. RE will release us back to Dr. OB and we'll no longer be monitored so closely. That's something I'm both looking forward to and frightened of. The good part is that I won't have to come in early, work late, and/or work evenings from home to make up the time that I miss from work. The bad part is that I won't have reassurances that everything is going well on a regular basis. I guess in a couple of months I will start to feel movement, and that will help me feel better about the whole thing. I just need to be patient and trust that all is well. That's hard to do after everything we've been through though.

Meanwhile, I find it very interesting that I've not gained a pound yet, though I have gained over an inch on my waist. Actually, the waist measurement is two weeks old - I wonder if it's more now. The weight is only 2 days old though, but after last night and today, that may change. I had to have a second dinner last night! I was just hanging out and winding down around 9:30, and I just HAD to have some chic'n nuggets (soy-based) with hot sauce and some cheese. I guess I was craving protein! Then today with lunch I just had to have an ice cream cookie! YUM! I'm still regretting it though. That's the first huge dose of sugar I've had in awhile, and it really upset my tummy. Bleh. I guess it's bland food for dinner for me tonight.

Nuh-Uh (Part 2) - September 22, 2009

The following takes place this morning, approximately 8:45 AM
*ring ring*
"Hello?"
"Hello Pixnlil. This is Nurse M from Dr. RE's office."
"Hi."
"We have the results of your lab work in."
*thinking: sure, lay it one me, I just hope this is over soon* "Yes?"
"Your hCG was 3335."
*pause*
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Your hCG was 3335."
"Nuh-uh. Really?!"
"Yes, really."
"Really?!"
*slightly irritated* "Yes, really. There's a problem. With numbers that stall out and then jump like that - your recent doubling rate is quicker than 2 days - there is a good chance that it is an ectopic pregnancy. You need to come in right away for an ultrasound to make sure it's not tubal."
"Really? That's . . . I mean . . . I was expecting you to say 200 or something!"
"Please don't get so excited yet. We need you to come in today for an ultrasound to make sure it's in the right place."
*we proceed to work out a time a few hours later after my meetings were over*

What the doctor found was a lovely little fetus, right in the uterus (where it should be). He saw the yolk sac as well as the gestational sac, and they measured at five and a half weeks - precisely how far along I am! So the pregnancy is not tubal - it's just right. And it's not small - it's just right.

I am in so much shock right now, I cannot even adequately describe it. I was supposed to be miscarrying any day now!!!!! But I won't be. In fact, everything looked so right, that I don't need to have any more blood drawn. I go back in two weeks and Dr RE expects to see a fetal pole and a heartbeat. Right now we are 70 - 80% certain that I won't miscarry. Once they see the heartbeat, that will jump to about 95% certainty. From being 99% certain that I would miscarry. Wow.

Waiting to Miscarry Sucks - September 21, 2009

Last night I had some pretty intense cramping, but it only lasted about 20 minutes. I thought for sure that the miscarriage was starting, but there wasn't any blood. So as of this morning, I am still just waiting to begin miscarrying. I go into the lab shortly to have my blood drawn again to see where the levels are now. Hopefully they fall fast so that we can get this over with and start looking forward again. This just sucks. I hope the pain isn't too bad. I've heard mixed reports about the amount of pain, but consistently I've heard that the amount of blood is just unbelievable. I also discovered that 1 in 4 of all pregnancies - not just those of infertile couples - results in miscarriage. That's a startlingly high number. It has never impacted my family or any of my friends that have had babies, so it seems so odd to me that the number is so high. My heart goes out to all of those women who have been through this, and all of those who will go through it in the future. It just plain sucks.

A Different Kind of Waiting - September 18th, 2009

I'm on to a new kind of waiting. A very unpleasant kind. I am now waiting for my baby to detach from my uterus and pass from my body. My level barely rose - only 10% in 3 days to about 670. The thought is that it probably topped out a few days ago and is now starting to decline. I will go back on Monday to confirm that. One more needle stick to go with all of the holes and bruises on my arm, since only one vein shows itself anymore. I honestly never dreamed that this would happen to me. I thought that once my husband's swimmers were successful at reaching and penetrating my egg, we'd be home free. That is not the case it would seem. There isn't any reason that they can give me for why this is happening. It just happens. Why does all the bad stuff "just happen" to me? I feel so beat up right now. One week ago I had to take the day off of work because I was so elated that I couldn't focus. Today I am so far from elated, that I barely even remember the meaning of the word. Why me? I know, a stupid, pointless question that really doesn't have an answer. But still, why me?

Waiting - September 18th, 2009

I am waiting to get my results back from my last beta test. I've been dealing with the wait fairly well up until this morning. Now I'm a bit of a wreck. I couldn't sleep very well, so I've been up since 3:30 this morning, with a brief 30 minute nap after that. My husband is off to Japan on a business trip, which thankfully will only be for two weeks instead of the original four. I hope I get my results back in time to call him with the good news before his flight takes off. I'm starving, nauseous, and exhausted, yet I can't eat or sleep. Fun. I just hope they call around 7:45 like they did the first time I was waiting for results rather than waiting until nearly 9:00 like the second time. I just might call them if I don't hear anything by 8:00. I hate to be pushy, but I really need to know so that I can eat some breakfast!! I really could use some peace of mind about now.

Thoughts - September 17th, 2009

Just a few things to mention. Today is my 4th anniversary. Happy anniversary hubby - I love you and I hope that we get good news tomorrow that our family is going to grow for sure.

Next, I'm feeling hopeful today. Why? Because I threw up this morning! Yay! Hooray! Huzzah! I know, it's such a strange feeling to take vomiting as a positive sign, but for me right now it really is. It wasn't much - I am normally a marathon vomiter. I know, TMI right? But honestly, I never throw up just once. So this morning it was just once, and just a little, and all water, but still! I threw up - yay!

Last point that I wanted to make is that I apparently cannot count. The amount of time lapsed between Monday's blood draw and today's blood draw is 3 days, not 4. So, the count that we're looking for when I get the results of my third beta back tomorrow is 1836 (which was the minimum number in four days from before). The minimum number that I can accept and still be hopeful that this is a viable pregnancy is around 1250. As long as the number is over 1000, we will be scheduling the first ultrasound for next week. We'll be looking to make sure that the gestational sac is attached to the uterus and not somewhere else, to make sure there is a good yolk sac, and that there is a gestational pole (aka my baby!). If thing have really improved, or we wait until very late next week for the ultrasound, we just might see a heartbeat. It would still be early to detect it, but it is certainly a possibility. So everyone keep your fingers crossed for me, or toss a coin in a fountain, or stand on your head, or whatever lucky superstitious thing you do. I'll keep you all posted!

2nd Beta Results - September 15th, 2009

The results of my second beta test came back this morning. The results were not good. I was at 233 before, and the doctor would have liked to see my numbers at least over 700, preferably at 800 - 1000. So coming in at 612 was not good. They want me to do another retest on Thursday. At that time, they'd like to see a minimum of 1836, and preferably closer to 2400 to feel confidant that the pregnancy will continue. As long as the results come back over 1000, they will schedule an ultrasound to take a look and see if they can find out what is going on in there. I'm so afraid right now. We beat the odds by getting pregnant, but that doesn't mean it's OK to lose it. I'm so scared.

Thoughts -September 14th, 2009

Ugh, so the seed of worry grew quite a bit overnight. I could hardly sleep - I laid in bed awake listening to my husband snore for most of the night, thinking about all of the worst case scenarios. I finally fell asleep a little after 1:00, but then woke up at 3:00 and didn't fall back to sleep until nearly 4:00, then again at 5:00 until nearly 6:00. So I am exhausted today, but that has no relationship to whether I am still pregnant or not. That simply has to do with a lack of sleep. I can hardly eat today too. The quesadilla that I just got from the cafeteria is sitting like a rock in my stomach, and I couldn't even finish it. I wish it was tomorrow morning already - then I could at least know one way or the other. I really need to know so that I can stop worrying. Well, OK, worry less.