Friday, August 28, 2009

Thoughts - August 28th, 2009

If this cycle was successful, I would now have a two-celled zygote floating around inside of me, working its way down the fallopian tube.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Thoughts - August 27th, 2009

I was just thinking that if this cycle works, the little swimmer would most likely have already penetrated the egg, as the window of opportunity is timed so precisely that it's within 4 hours of the IUI. I might have a zygote floating in my fallopian tubes right at this very minute. Then again, I might not. I prefer to think about the might part today though.

IUI #3 - August 27th, 2009

This morning I had my third IUI. This was the first time that I've had one without my hubby there with me, as the other two have been on Saturdays. I was nervous to go it alone. I'm wondering if my RE is just a figment of my imagination, as Dr. Shortstick did the IUI again (that's all three times that she's actually done it for me). In any case, here's the cool part:

- Count was 18 Million!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Our highest count so far was 9 million, and the highest on an IUI was 8. Yippee! That is so super high for us (still very low, but hey, for us it was awesome)!

- Motility was 22%, which ties with our highest so far on a semen analysis, and again the highest percentage for an IUI for us yet (also still low compared to what it should be, but really good for us)!

That means that we have a much higher percentage chance this time than the last two times. It's more on par with a couple that normally does an IUI, which isn't great at 8 - 12 % or so, but still! I'll take 8 - 12% over the 1% we've had in previous cycles!

I'm cramping horribly, and have to make it through the work day, but at least I have this hope to hang on to. 8% seems like such a high figure to me right now compared to where we've been, but I know that it means that there is a 92% chance it won't work, so I'm trying to keep my excitement in check. It's just the first good news we've had in such a long time, it's hard not to get excited.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Bedtime Thoughts - August 26th, 2009

Tomorrow morning is our last IUI. We will not be doing another one if this one fails. This is our last shot at a less invasive (ha - yeah, because it's been sooooo non-invasive so far) procedure. We have 2 big follicles. It only takes one.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

IUI #3 Ultrasound - August 25, 2009

Today is my ultrasound to see how many follicles I have, how big they are, and the thickness of my uterine lining. Wish me luck, and I'll post the results here tonight! I also have a dentist appointment right after. Bleh. =)


Update - I have just 2 follicles this time. I guess it's better than 1, but still not the 3 or 4 that will maximize our chances for success. On the bright side, they were very large - 22 & 26mm. And the uterine lining was good at 10.1mm. So we trigger tonight and go for the IUI on Thursday morning. This will be the first time that the IUI didn't fall on a weekend, so I'll have to go into work instead of laying around on the couch this time. I wonder if that will make it easier or more difficult. Hmmm.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Not Quitting My Day Job - August 21, 2009

OK, so I'm a really, really bad farmer. This thing was growing in my garden right where I had planted a couple of things side by side, and it was big and round and green. It had some stripes too. It grew and grew over the course of about a month. Then the stripes started turning orange, and I read on the internet that stripes of the sugar bush baby watermelons (the kind I had planted) would lighten when they were getting ripe. So, two days ago I cut it off the vine to stop it from becoming overly ripe. The orange stripes spread and spread in the two days it has been in my kitchen. "Oh no! We have to hurry up and eat it soon!" I said. "I really want to have some watermelon before it goes bad!" So tonight for dessert, we sliced into the watermelon. Yeah, the pictures tell it all. Again, I'm a really bad farmer. I won't be quitting my day job anytime soon.
In case you can't tell - that's an underripe pumpkin. Not good for much. =\ I'm going to try and roast the seeds, but I don't know how they'll taste being so young. Also, see my nifty monster?! That's from G.Silva! She rocks! We had mentioned that we were doing our nursery in a cute monster theme, and she saw this and thought of us! Isn't she awesome? Thanks again, G.Silva!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Decision Time: On to IUI #3 - August 13th, 2009

So today is cycle day 6 (CD6). We decided last week that we are going to do a third round of IUI, since we can fit that in before my hubby leaves for Japan. Since last month only had one dominant follicle (the same as I would have on a non-medicated cycle), my doctor upped my dosage of Clomid. I'm now on 100 mg of Clomid. So far the side effects have not been worse than in previous months, but they're definitely still there. I was very worried that they would be more severe this month, so it's been a relief that they haven't been. Next Tuesday I'll go for the ultrasound to see how many follicles I have and what size they are, and then we'll do the trigger shot sometime next week. If I had to guess, we'll be doing the trigger shot on Wednesday night and the IUI on Friday morning.

I'm not optimistic that this cycle will be successful. Many people have told me not to think negative thoughts. I just don't feel that it's realistic to think that this will happen for us, against all odds. It's not that I'm being negative - I'm simply being practical. We have a real medical reason for our inability to become pregnant, and wishful thinking will not change that. There is a chance, however slight, that this will indeed work for us. And I hope it does, but I try very hard not to let hope override practical thinking, because that only results in a bigger drop in mood when it doesn't work out. In all probability, we will be moving on to IVF-ICSI very soon. In fact, in just about 3 weeks I will very likely be getting started.

That awareness scares the hell out of me. IVF is it. That's the big enchilada. That is our very best chance to have a child with our genetic makeup. And we're almost there. I don't like coming to the end of the road. I'm not ready to give up on my desire to experience pregnancy. Not yet. I've realized that, for me at this point in time, I want to experience pregnancy nearly as much as I want to be a mom for a human (I'm a mom to lots of furry & feathered kids already). Does that make me a bad person? I have several friends who have either already adopted, are in the process of adopting, or are planning to adopt in the future. I respect them so very much for the decisions that they have made, and their desire to help a child in need. I think it is so wonderful that they are enjoying/will be enjoying the joys (and woes) of parenthood with their children, whom they love so much. So it makes me feel a little guilty that I still cannot see myself adopting a child of my own. Not yet. Does this make me less of a good person? I honestly don't know. It might. It might not. All I know is that I want to experience a successful pregnancy that results in a child. It seems so strange to me that this is too much to ask for, and yet apparently it is. How odd that I am here, in this situation. How very, very strange it feels.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

IUI Cycle #2:Failure - August 13, 2009

My next cycle began today with the start of my period. I knew a few days ago that my body was preparing for it to start, so I'd already begun to grieve. I've realized that some words that I read in an article or book somewhere along the way were very true. At some point along the infertility journey, it ceases to be just a disappointment when a cycle turns out to be negative. It becomes more than disappointment. You begin to grieve the loss of each cycle. Each negative cycle is one more month of your life spent without your children. It is one less month that you will get to enjoy your children as adults, and your grandchildren when you are old. It is not just one month spent doing other things - it is truly a month lost. So I'm going to finish grieving for this loss, and try to look forward to the next cycle, where I just might have a chance to bring those children into existence.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

IVF Counseling Appointment Scheduling - August 5, 2009

Part of the IVF process mandates a counseling appointment due to all of the stresses of the process. We were given a name and phone number of a counselor that is not employed by Ohio Reproductive Medicine (ORM), but who comes out there two days a week to hold appointments. In any case, for some reason, I thought that the appointments were in the evenings. I suppose that I thought that because the clinic holds appointment hours until 7 PM nightly. They're used to working around their client's needs. So when I was offered appointment times of 9:30 AM or 2:00 PM, I was pretty surprised. I wasn't planning on it being a daytime appointment at all! So that left my husband and I with the choice of missing work or missing work. Hmmm, that's a great stress reliever! Glad we have this mandatory session that we have to attend during work hours that is not near either of our places of work. What a relief! For a second I thought that stress relief would be convenient!

Update - The counselor called another client who had a more flexible schedule and moved her appointment to 2:00, so we are now scheduled for 3:15. It's still not perfect, but my husband can flex his schedule an hour earlier without too much trouble and still make it out for this appointment time. I, of course, will still have to miss some work, but my job allows for a bit more flexibility. So all's well that ends well. Or something.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Strange Cramping - August 5th, 2009

I had some intense cramping earlier today, localized on the left side. I need to do some research and see if that might be good sign. I've already ovulated, so it's not that. And it's much too early to be pre-period cramps. I suppose it could be a cyst. That would not be good.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

IUI #2: A Little Hope (but not much) - August 1st, 2009

My second IUI was this morning. With the follicle debacle (heh) on Thursday, I wasn't feeling so hot going into today. Hubby and I had determined that if his sperm counts were over 10 million (they haven't been yet, but we were hopeful), we'd allow ourselves to feel a bit hopeful. The results came back at 8 million pre-wash, and just 1.8 million after the wash. Between that and the lack of known follicles this month, I feel so sad. We're on the fence about whether to do another round of treatments next month or not. We'll have time to do it before he goes to Japan in September, but I'm not sure it's worth it. It feels good to know that we're trying something, but it's costing money and not giving us too much of a chance. But some is better than none, right? Maybe? I dunno.

I've heard lots of suggestions to "Take a month off and relax." Those people don't know me very well. I think I'm at my worst when I'm supposed to just wait for something to happen. I need to be working hard to make it happen or I feel like it won't happen.

Anyway, I'm feeling awfully crampy again. There isn't any blood this time (so far at least), so I guess that's good. So now we wait. Two weeks. Hmm . . .
Edit - OK, now there's some bleeding. Meh.