Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Decision Time: On to IUI #3 - August 13th, 2009

So today is cycle day 6 (CD6). We decided last week that we are going to do a third round of IUI, since we can fit that in before my hubby leaves for Japan. Since last month only had one dominant follicle (the same as I would have on a non-medicated cycle), my doctor upped my dosage of Clomid. I'm now on 100 mg of Clomid. So far the side effects have not been worse than in previous months, but they're definitely still there. I was very worried that they would be more severe this month, so it's been a relief that they haven't been. Next Tuesday I'll go for the ultrasound to see how many follicles I have and what size they are, and then we'll do the trigger shot sometime next week. If I had to guess, we'll be doing the trigger shot on Wednesday night and the IUI on Friday morning.

I'm not optimistic that this cycle will be successful. Many people have told me not to think negative thoughts. I just don't feel that it's realistic to think that this will happen for us, against all odds. It's not that I'm being negative - I'm simply being practical. We have a real medical reason for our inability to become pregnant, and wishful thinking will not change that. There is a chance, however slight, that this will indeed work for us. And I hope it does, but I try very hard not to let hope override practical thinking, because that only results in a bigger drop in mood when it doesn't work out. In all probability, we will be moving on to IVF-ICSI very soon. In fact, in just about 3 weeks I will very likely be getting started.

That awareness scares the hell out of me. IVF is it. That's the big enchilada. That is our very best chance to have a child with our genetic makeup. And we're almost there. I don't like coming to the end of the road. I'm not ready to give up on my desire to experience pregnancy. Not yet. I've realized that, for me at this point in time, I want to experience pregnancy nearly as much as I want to be a mom for a human (I'm a mom to lots of furry & feathered kids already). Does that make me a bad person? I have several friends who have either already adopted, are in the process of adopting, or are planning to adopt in the future. I respect them so very much for the decisions that they have made, and their desire to help a child in need. I think it is so wonderful that they are enjoying/will be enjoying the joys (and woes) of parenthood with their children, whom they love so much. So it makes me feel a little guilty that I still cannot see myself adopting a child of my own. Not yet. Does this make me less of a good person? I honestly don't know. It might. It might not. All I know is that I want to experience a successful pregnancy that results in a child. It seems so strange to me that this is too much to ask for, and yet apparently it is. How odd that I am here, in this situation. How very, very strange it feels.


G. Silva said...

Oh no! Please don't make value judgments on yourself because of the availability of different parenthood options!

I don't know about anybody else you know who's adopting, but for us, it was a complex decision with many facets, considerations, and sacrifices. However, none of those considerations was, "Haha! If I adopt, I'll be awesomer than everyone else and I can sneer and scoff at their altruistic inferiority!" I might do that about the Prius (hehe, just kidding) but not about the baby.

See, from the outside, adoption might look like a whole lot of altruism. From the inside, it's just family-making, same as you. In our case, anyway. Maybe some adopters are in it for the chance to rescue children. Not us. We rescue cats, squirrels, and other critters. We just want to parent children.

We also made some difficult sacrifices in order to take this route, so with those in mind, getting ourselves compared unfavorably to is a little awkward. Things are less awkward if no comparisons are made. All routes to parenthood are equivalent, even if they're not the same. Even if the rates of success are not the same. Adoption is fraught with failure routes, too. We were fortunate enough not to follow any failed adoptions. But you can never be sure how it's going to go when you start.

If you ever want any help/advice in anything I have experience in, whether you start to consider adoption at some point or your kiddo is entering his terrible twos, I'll help however I can - but just because we're friends and I care a lot about you, not because I'm awesomer. 'Cause I'm not. I'm just another schmuck who spun around blindly in the midst of all the less-than-ideal options, and ended up somehow pointed toward China.

And to be honest, I'm numb with fear all the time now. Okay, some of it might be heat sickness.

GDad said...

G. Silva is right. GPop and I really just wanted to be parents. The fact that we were able to lend a hand (and a video game controller) to a wonderful kid was a bonus. We *had* to pick an alternate family-growth route, since neither of us has a uterus.

G. Silva said...

Hey, I sent you something. It could arrive any day now.