OK, so I'm really not a good secret keeper. I guess, when I really stop and think about it, I started having confidants before we even started trying. Funny how I thought it was for-evvv-er before I started sharing this information with anyone. When I reflect on it at this point in time, it's really pretty funny how bad I am with keeping secrets.*
At one of the last class sessions for completing my MBA, I overheard another girl in my class who was talking about starting prenatal vitamins soon, as she and her husband were planning to start trying as soon as they sold their condo. I already had the prescription for my prenatal vitamins at that point in time, so I couldn't help myself! I turned around in my seat (yes, this was before the session had actually started, to all who would be aghast that I might chat in class) and exclaimed, "Me too!" We started chatting, and I discovered that they would probably not be starting to try for another few months. I also discovered that she had moved to the same suburb that I live in - just about a 5 minute drive away. And did I mention that we work for the same company? WOW! We started gushing about how great it would be to have our pregnancies be close together and have time off work and walk our babies together. It was fantastic! I hadn't even begun trying yet, but here was my very first confidant. Funny enough, she remains one of my closest confidants to this day. Oh, and my husband didn't know that I had told anyone about us trying for at least 7 months. Whoops, I guess I just spilled the beans! Sorry dear.
In any case, Confidant #1 started trying to conceive about 5 months after I did. At that time, I thought she would travel a road similar to mine. I thought I was being all helpful and big-sister like when I gave her this advice:
"Don't let your body fool you and get your hopes up. You'll think you're having symptoms of pregnancy, but that's just your body adjusting to being off of the birth control pills. I know it's hard not to read too much into every little thing you feel happening with your body. I felt that way too. You have a bit of a road to travel first though, but it'll happen in good time - for both of us!"
Pfft. Boy did I think I had it figured out. As it turns out, she was pregnant. On her first cycle off the pill. She is due to give birth to her little boy in four weeks and four days. One month from now. She started five months after me, and she is due in one month. And here I am, starting my period today. I'm happy for her, I really am. I wish her the healthiest and happiest of babies. I'm just so sad that we won't be together in this. And that I'm still waiting. I don't wish that she wasn't pregnant (I know, double negative - deal with it), I just wish that I was pregnant too. Even if I was just one month pregnant.
I'm so tired of waiting. I'm tired of always having to work so hard for what I want. I wish things would just be easy for me. I've busted my ass to be where I am in my career and in my life. I've made difficult choices, and make good decisions for the long-term. I've thought things through and made wise decisions. I don't take risks. I play it safe. I make sure I finish what needs to be finished and accomplish what needs to be accomplished before moving on. Somehow though, it always feels like I get the short end of the stick, despite working hard and making good choices. I'm ready for my break. I'm ready for something good to fall into my lap without a struggle. I'm ready to get preferential treatment in something. I don't want to work any harder right now. I'm tired of working so hard. I'm just tired. When is it my turn?
*note to friends - it's really only my own secrets that I cannot keep. I keep the secrets of others quite well actually.