Monday, July 27, 2009

Confidants and Intrigue Series: Confidant #2 - June 2008

Confidant #2 came about in a rather interesting way. I had my first confidant and was really, really planning to stick to not telling another person until we turned up pregnant. I knew my hubby didn't want a lot of people knowing, so I was trying to respect that. We were still on our first cycle at the time, so it hadn't even been that long yet!

Every year we go to several gaming conventions. For those of you who don't know what I mean by that, think massive amounts of geeks getting together to play all kinds of games. I prefer role playing games (RPGs) most of the time, with a few others mixed in for variety. These conventions are all over the place, but we usually stick to the ones that we can drive to in a few hours. We've developed many friends over the years, and some who have become very close friends.

So last June while at one of these conventions, we were sitting at a table in the food court at one of the convention centers having some lunch, when one of our friends mentioned that they were adopting a child from China. I looked up at her with all sorts of thoughts and questions rampaging through my mind and, trying to act nonchalant, I think I stammered out something lame like, "Oh yeah? That's interesting." Nice. Way to show your support.

She wasn't even phased. Between her and her hubby, I found out that they were torn between looking for a boy and a girl, and that they really just wanted a child, however it worked out. Special needs would be great, because she and her hubby have the ability, patience, and love to care for and help a child in need. I also found out that the adoption process is a long process, with lots of ups and downs, tons of paperwork, and more waiting and uncertainty than you can shake a stick at (I really have no idea how much uncertainty or waiting you can shake a stick at, but this process has more).

After hearing all of this, I just looked at my hubby, and although his look said "keep your mouth shut woman!", I ran off with my friend to spill the beans to her anyway. We went to the bathroom, and on the way back I stopped her and the words just gushed out of my mouth, "We're trying to get pregnant and I think I might be now because I'm sure it won't take long for us and I'm really excited and nobody knows yet and I just feel so close to you because of what you just told me about and are you adopting because you've tried everything else and it didn't work or is this something you've always wanted to do and it feels to good to talk to someone else about it and oh man my hubby's going to kill me and you have to keep this a secret, OK?!" *huge gulp of air*

I can't remember much else about the conversation after that, but I do remember feeling all warm and fuzzy, and that I was really glad that I had confided in Confidant #2. Although we're on opposite ends of the spectrum today - she has no desire to do what I'm doing now, and although I do keep the option of adoption open as a possibility in the future, it is not the right choice for me at this time in my life but is the perfect option for her - we have such a similar desire to love, cherish, raise, nourish, and teach a young person that we do not yet have to hold, that I cannot help but feel a kinship to her as we each take our steps toward bringing that additional person into our family.

Confidant #2 has been there for me as I went from my first cycle (where I just knew I was pregnant!) through all of the rough times of uncertainty, and is still there for me now as I work through all of these medical treatments (which are truly not her favorite thing) in hopes of having a child. And I know that if these treatments do not work and I need help navigating the world of adoption, she will be right there with me then too, guiding me when I need it and helping me stay steady when the weight of it all might bring me to my knees. Thank you Confidant #2 for listening to me babble on ad nauseum about things that I know squick you out! Thank you Confidant #2 for being a friend.


G. Silva said...

I feel a lot of gratitude for you, too. You've been my confidant too, especially during that episode with Sun Hao. I'm completely over him now (*lying*).

I think the spectrum we're at opposite ends of is a small spectrum. One thing we both share is the realization that having a child is a lot of work. And our relationships with our children will reflect how much heartbreak we went through to have them.

I plan to value every hour-long screaming fit, every toy in the toilet, every diaper hastily changed in a public restroom. Behind each of those things is a real live baby... someday, when we get to the baby part... and behind those babies will have been all this hard work. All this crying and frustration, these long stretches of uncertainty punctuated with brief moments of panic, these fogs of social awkwardness when talking to friends and family, and the weird relationship between baby and money as we pay agents and doctors thousands of dollars to provide for us.

You're welcome, and thank you right back. *hugs*

GDad said...

This sounds both sweet and sort of cloak-and-dagger. Kind of like one of those nineteenth century novels where the author adds verisimilitude by referring to Mrs. M_____ D_____ of 19 B____ Street, _______, England.

G. Silva said...

Hee! I'll bring the cloak if Pixnlil supplies the dagger.

pixnlil said...

Wha'? Me? *hides hands behind back* What dagger?